I am terrified it is all a trick.
I am terrified he is just better at hiding and this is all just a smoke screen. He knows all the tricks, all the ways to clean up behind himself, cover his tracks. So many ways, so easy to deceive these days, so easy to hide his disease and pretend all is well, all is good better best. Lie.
I want to believe so badly I am so likely to talk myself into a lie. I am so tired. I am so emotionally and mentally tired, always on my guard, always looking for signs that I am being lied to and tricked. I just wanted to live, to enjoy each other’s company, to build a life and memories together. Now I feel like I am in a prison, always wondering when some inmate will stab me while I stand quietly in the lunch line, who has the home made knife, who is just waiting for their moment, cruel hateful eyes drilling into my back. I must beware, beware.
Vigilant, vigilant, must stay vigilant or I will be blindsided again, rocked back into terror and horror, nightmare blooming blood spatter in my face, eyes stinging and broken soul brain gore dripped upon my lips.
I am afraid to look. I am afraid to ask. But I know that I must or I will never be able to relax, to feel safe again. I have to know if what I know is real, or just more false front, more deception. I am looking for the bad because I am so afraid I didn’t know I was supposed to look before. I thought I was supposed to look for the good, overlook the minor flaws, work myself out of resentment, let go of the little things. But the little things added up to one huge huge HUGE HUGE HUGE DAMAGE HURT HURT HURT HURT HURT LIELIELIELIELIELIELIELIELIELIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time. So much time. So much time lost. So much time it will take to recover any semblance of safety, of trust, of belief in his words.
So much time.
We only have so much time on this planet.
I guess we shall see, if I am not too blinded by the fear to find my way.