Trick No Treat (October 2011)


It was just a trick.

My, our, entire bonding weekend was turned into just another trick.

He held up the lie like a shield so he never was actually doing the work.  I thought we were going to be getting closer together, but with the lie between us, he never had to get close.  He practiced his old trick of looking me in the eyes, deeply and sincerely, and lying to me by omission, deceit, and flat out lying.  He sabotaged the entire bonding potential by staying with his lie. He lied to me the entire time.

The nice man I met didn’t come with me on the weekend.  I spent the weekend trying to bond with the addict. But you can’t bond with an addict.   An addict is already fully bonded to something else.  His addictions are more important than any other relationship.  Smoking was more important.  He smoked as soon as we weren’t riding in together and he had to take his Jeep, and worst, he chose to lie the entire weekend we were ‘bonding.’  He was only bonding with his real true love, his addiction, his lying, protecting his addictions at all costs.  He practiced deceit and contempt for me, imbedded that into our best chance for a loving, open, vulnerable, bonding experience.  The lies were there with us the entire time.

I hoped we were falling into each other’s lives.  Instead, he fell into the arms of his best addict routine.  I think it goes like this:

1.  Find something to stress over.  Anything.  I want to indulge my addiction.  I hear the urge calling.  I WANT I WANT I WANT!  Something I keep telling Her that I don’t want to do, but I really DO want to do it.  Alot.  All I need is a good reason to stress to the breaking point. 

2.  Blame anyone and anything for an excuse to run for the comfort of an addictive substance.  The coming weekend.  She’s going to freak out on me.  The Jeep having issues.  Yeah.  Those’ll do. 

3.  DO IT!  DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!!   Wallow in the self pity and self loathing.  Obsess over the substance and how much I hate doing it and how much I hate myself for doing it.  Reinforce the brain bonds to the addiction by obsessing the whole time.  Hate myself really good for how BAD I AM that I COULDN”T HELP MYSELF.  I’m so bad.  They just think I’m bad.  They have no idea how BAD I REALLY AM!  Tehehehehehe.  Drug drug drug drug, obsess obsess obsess.  Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

4.  Once sated and happy within my misery and all drugged out, allow the self loathing to engulf me.  Use it to fuel the good old standby of ‘I’ll never do THAT again.’ 

5.  Because I have firmly decided to never do THAT again, there is no reason to tell anyone that I did it.  I certainly won’t tell Her because I have a million reasons why She can’t handle it.  I don’t even have to run through them anymore.  I have memorized all the ways that She is nuts.  She can’t handle anything.  I SHOULDN’T tell her!  That is the BEST thing I can do.  That way I never have to face the impact of my actions.

6.  Whenever she gets close to the truth, or the any of the facts of what I have done is challenged, LIE.  LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE.  Look Her deeply in the eyes and with all the best sincerity I can muster from my many years of practice, LIE.  OMIT.  KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.  DECEIVE.  What She doesn’t know won’t hurt Me.

7.  If placed in a position where the truth might be imminent and I might be found out for lying again, ATTACK.  Turn the tables and put Her on the defensive so I can feel better about myself because She is worse than me anyway.  Throw up a smoke screen so She won’t go ‘there’ and threaten my safety.

8.  If that doesn’t work, tell the truth.  But minimize it.  Gloss it over.  Play it down.  And be sure to ‘tell the truth’ as if I was OFFERING her a big gift instead of being ‘made’ to tell the truth.  Act like I was going to tell the truth all the time, how much I wanted to tell the truth, which is also a lie.  I resent being ‘made’ to tell the truth, but maybe it will get Her off my back.

9.  If that doesn’t work, blame Her.  Overtly, subtly, whatever, just make Her feel that it is Her fault I chose to lie to Her.  Blame the victim for the abuse.  She asked for it.  She needs it.  She is too frail, too fragile, I did it for Her sake.  Make Her feel guilty for making me tell the truth.  Yeah.  That is one of her childhood woundings I can put to my benefit.  Dig in that knife!

10.  Punish Her for making me tell the truth.  Take out my resentment and anger on her in some way, overtly, although sneakily is safer and easier to do.  Scare Her.  Hurt Her.  Find a way to pick a fight and have her blow up  so that I have more fuel for how I CAN’T tell her the truth.  Push all Her buttons and make Her crazy so I can tell myself how horrible and unstable She is and how RIGHT I AM to lie and how WRONG SHE IS.   Prove to myself She is just some nut job who deserves the abuse I am dumping on Her.

11.  If that isn’t working like I hoped and she doesn’t break down like I want, punish her by ignoring her. 

12.  If that doesn’t work like I want, go find other people to lie to.  Tell them how much I tried over the weekend.  How great of insights I got and how I can really work on our relationship now.  Do NOT tell them how I sabotaged the entire thing by actively lying throughout the entire weekend.  Then, when the whole relationship thing falls apart because I have continued practicing deceit and addiction ‘stinkin thinkin’, I can blame Her for not trying and They will all tell me what a great guy I am and how She just wasn’t willing to  stand by me.  Then I can feel so good about myself.  So supreme.  So special.  For now.

13.  Begin looking for the next thing to stress over.  After all, the addictive urges will come back.  I have to be ready with the next excuse so I don’t have to fight it anymore than it makes me obsess.  My favorite.  Somewhere inside myself, I know this is all a manipulation in order to keep my addictions.  Somewhere inside, I know that she isn’t really a cruel witch until I push her and poke her in her painful spots and hurt her and scare her until she feels crazy.  Somehow I know that if I stopped being an addict, all the other craziness would stop, too.  But I don’t want to stop being an addict.  I like the dizzy highs, the horrible lows, the drugging, the craziness, the hiding from myself.  I love it too much to ever, ever stop.  What would life be without all this drama?  BORING!!!!  LOSER!!!!  

Oh yes, I’ve heard that saying, ‘When do you know an addict is lying?  When their lips are moving.’  And the more deeply they look into your eyes, the more sincerely they speak their words of affirmation and devotion, the more they are lying.

My subconscious knew.  It tried to let me know.  When we first pulled up the the Bed and Breakfast, I accidentally called him Mike.  Well, it was Mike, wasn’t it, after all. And I dreamed of RV, my first husband.  When I dream of taking back RB, it means the person I am with is actively having sex with someone else.  When I dream of RV, it means the person I am with is actively lying.  I am not sure what it means if I dream of TC.  Maybe that the person is actively wishing to physically harm me.  And JL?  I don’t know yet. 

I wonder what is will mean when I dream of Him.  Probably that the person I am trying to have a relationship with is subtly abusing me, that I am being actively manipulated.  BEWARE! 

I wondered why it seemed that when he looked at me deeply over the weekend he had that same old, weird expression in his eyes, where one eye is sort of freaky.  Like he wasn’t nurturing me, but trying to devour me, trying to hypnotize me.  Why I didn’t feel loving in his gaze, but sort of creeped out.  Why he started looking ugly and juvenile to me rather than attractive and confident.  Why his saying he wanted to make love to me didn’t feel loving, but more like he wanted to satisfy himself.  Even when he said he wanted to hear me make the same sounds of pleasure that rubbing my neck was creating, it was about him wanting to hear from me that he was a success.  Somehow that didn’t have anything to do with actually making me feel good. If he had wanted to make me feel good, it would have been about what he was already doing.  I got the impression that he wanted to indulge his own lust and use my pleasure as the excuse.  After all, I was already enjoying what he was doing.  If I had wanted sex, I would have asked.  And then he pulled his jealous/possessive abuser talk, asking if I was planning on having sex with anyone.  He doesn’t believe me when I tell him the truth because he knows he is still actively lying, so he projects onto me that because he is acting deceptively, I must be also.  And it is a good way for an abuser to put the abused on the defensive, to deflect scrutiny of their own subversive activity.

And then he blamed me for making him choose to lie.  It was subtle this time, but it was still the old manipulative guilt trip for making him feel badly for having to lie to me.  He is getting trickier.  He is getting better as twisting the words of bonding and authenticity to his purposes.  And yet, when I asked about IGroup, and he had that same, high, tense tone as he did a year ago.  I do not know why, but that seems to indicate he is actively deceiving me about something.  Another something.  Something he gets to blame me for, or feel badly about yet excited that he did.  Or said.  Or blamed.  Or manipulated. 

Regressed. 

The wheel of the year turned, and here we are, right back where he started.  Nothing has really changed.

I had so, so, so hoped when the new man showed up.  I knew it would cycle.  I knew it wouldn’t last forever.  Nothing can.  But I had hoped to spend my bonding weekend with the new man, working on loving behaviors, feeling loved.  I didn’t know I would spend my entire bonding weekend with a lie between us, negating everything we were trying to build just between US.

That is what he wants, I guess.  As he projected on to me that the fight was what I wanted, I guess this lie of a relationship is what he really wants.   A shield of lies between us, no real closeness, practicing the insane dance of his real love so he never has to partner with anyone other than his own internal desires.  He looks good, to have someone devoted and who cares about him.  It makes him look like he isn’t a failure.  But beneath it all, since he actually BELIEVES he is a failure, he acts like one and destroys everything he pretends to want.  He really wants to fail, because that is how he envisions himself, as already having failed.  Self fulfilling.

I must be very cautious of my ‘understanding’ tendencies.  I can ‘understand’ that he was freaking out about the weekend and so sabotaged it.  I can ‘understand’ that he was under a lot of stress and fell back into old, destructive habits.  I can ‘understand’ that he picked the screaming fight out of frustration from the intensity of the weekend and not enough pressure valve.  I can ‘understand’ that he really believed he is a failure from his childhood wounding and struggles desparately to rise above it.  I can rationalize that, although I wanted to spend the weekend with my new love, maybe it is better that the addict was there since he is the one who needs the relationship skills the most.   I can accept that it was my own failing that I rose to the bait when it was obvious to me he was looking to pick a fight, and I should have stayed in my adult mind and made myself cool down rather than fight back like an 11 year old.

But I should never discount that he was willing to lie throughout our entire ‘bonding, communication, getting closer’ experience.  I should never discount that he was willing to blame me and twist my words and gaslight me the very next day.  I should never discount that he was in addict thinking the entire time we were bonding, and so he has even more bonded with the addiction rather than with me. I should never discount that he was looking me deeply in the eyes, asking my forgiveness for all the lies he had told, the entire time being a hypocrite and had been actively lying to me for days.   That the addict may just use the skills to further his manipulations.  That entire dynamic of addict stinking thinking, his protective lying was woven into the fabric of our attempt at becoming more open and close and authentic with each other.  At starting over again.

A trick.

I thought I was spending my bonding weekend with my new man.  I thought we were going to practice a new relationship, really becoming a couple.  But my loving new man had already left two days before the weekend.  I spent my entire bonding weekend with that hateful, spiteful, cruel Mike.

I said that if Mike showed back up I would flee for my life.

What am I going to do?

This weekend meant so much to me.  I was also very afraid.  I really tried to put myself into it, do it right, to be present.  I really meant to give this relationship an honest, honest try and put my energies into it.  I let myself be very vulnerable, and he took complete advantage of it, and lied, and blamed me, and hurt me terribly while I was so open and trying to reach out to him.  I don’t want my actions to be about ‘so there, I’m better than you.’  I want to practice these techniques so that I know how to have a better relationship in the future.

I don’t see how this is going to be that relationship now.  All he had to do was accept he had made a mistake, and face my disappointment and sorrow.  Over having smoked for a couple of days.  For having gone back on his implied word.  He could have said ‘Damn, I started smoking.  I am completely not happy about it.  I am stopping again NOW.’  Instead, he pretended everything was perfectly hunky dory and nothing was out of place, again.  He said nice things about liking hearing about trees on our walk, but it was just a smoke screen to make me think he was bonding when actually he was trying to make me think everything was great when he was really lying again.  He sent the addict to love camp, and the addict was busy bonding with his deceptive, blaming, double dealing, fake, back stabbing nature.

The entire weekend was a trick.

I feel more alone than ever. 

Sooner or later I will take the hint that he is not going to meet my relationship needs.  He keeps choosing to sabotage this relationship.  He doesn’t really seem to want it, to want me.  Even though his words say he does, his actions clearly say he prefers his addiction.  Sooner or later I will accept that I am not really wanted.  I am just a convenient inconvenience. 

I am not worth his effort of overcoming his fear to tell me the truth, even when it most would have counted towards something real.

I will do the rituals.  I will practice what it takes to have a good relationship.  I will do my best to be the person I want to be, because I am all that I have. I will keep trying to be certain it isn’t just so other people will not think I didn’t try, but because I REALLY DO WANT TO DO RELATIONSHIPS BETTER.  I will practice the skills to the best of my ability, given what I am trying to work with.  I will try to forgive him for being who he is.  I will forgive myself for hoping that I would find something more between us.  I will remember that for two lovely weeks I almost felt what real love might feel like. 

But I will never forget that we had a real chance to bond with each other, and he brought the addict to love camp.

I know for certain who he still loves best.

It never was, and still isn’t, me.

I am so alone.

Maybe that is what I wanted, all along.  To prove that I will always be alone, that I should just be alone for real rather than try to have a relationship.  That other people cannot be trusted to meet my relationship needs, so I end up with someone that absolutely is incapable of meeting those needs.  I am so used to accepting so little from someone else that I think it is normal.  I don’t leave for better love because I think this loneliness and emptiness and lack of someone giving a damn about me is what love always felt like.  Always feels like.  That they always love something else better than me, so I will never be good enough, that I will never come first, that I am always just in the way.

I block my relationship by not believing someone else can meet my relationship needs, so I never give them the chance to do it.  Worse, I don’t even know when they are not being met so I don’t flee in self preservation when they are absolutely not being met.

I am so used to be alone in a crowd, that being alone in a relationship feels normal. It use to feel ‘right’.  If I truly want a better relationship, with someone else, with myself, I must MUST practice these skills.  I must not give up on myself and use his weakness as my excuse to indulge in my weakness.  I must TRY to be better than I am.

I didn’t want to be alone.  I wanted a best friend to hold hands with and be afraid together and trust each other and take care of each other when no one else will because the world is big and scary and doesn’t really care about just a couple of little people, but we would care so much about each other.

I guess my inner child is just wrong. 

I dreamed of vampires last night.  Vampires, having my life and strength sucked away, something bigger and stronger and seductive and absolutely terrifyingly dangerous knowing where I was, and planning to harm me.

It’s OK, honey.  Let me help you with that.

I will say that to myself.  I might ask for it, if I spiral down.  But I don’t think I will believe he means it.  I don’t believe he has my best interests at heart.  I believe he would rather hurt me than face the consequences of his own actions.  I had hoped that had changed, by now.  I am not seeing that fundamental change.  (I say that, but I don’t know if I have convinced myself that what I ‘see’ is real.  But I should, I really should.)

Sorry, my dearest inner child.

We were tricked.

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