Yesterday was my birthday.
I have friends all over the country. I have a ‘husband’. I have two sons.
I had no one to spend my birthday with but me.
and the dogs and the cats and brother wind.
I spent the day running and errand for my son in the Airforce, telling myself how important it was to keep positive and loving about it because, after all, I so desperately wish I was worth someone going out of their way for. I must treat others that I love that they are well worth going out of my way for.
I ate terrible fast food, too salty, too carby, too sweet, while running pellmell along the back roads. I complimented the girl behind the window on her eyes. ‘I am sure you have head this before, but you have lovely eyes.’ She returned the compliment. Goddess says….
I went home and filled horse water and thought of riding, and of the heat, and of all the things I should be doing. I played Age of Empires while I waited and thought of how I had hidden here before when I was so lonely. I took some camping stuff out of my Jeep, each object reminding me of the people and the days and the fun and the sorrow. I knocked the dry rot off the table I carried back from India, thinking of someone’s comment that I had carried it all the way back. Yes. I shot with my horse bow and the new arrows I bought the last day of the camping event. I shouldn’t have, but I wanted shorter ones. I shot about 60 arrows or so. Maybe I will do that more often. I thought of my friends who shoot, and of the Indian rulers and how they learned to shoot, and of my animals sitting with me, and the little bit of poison ivy growing by my tree that I will need to spray down. I thought how I needed to mow more. I thought I might take a hot tub, but I didn’t.
I spent my birthday very much alone.
He has someone coming for a visit for a few days. I will be alone completely. I have grown too dependant anyway. I like to be with myself. I hate to feel abandoned. I will do all in my power to wish him well with his visit and deal with my insecurities. He says to give it two years. Everyone says I must wait two years before I will be ready for anything.
I will be 50 in two years.
I am so lonely.
Last night I dreamed of a laboratory. I was working in a laboratory, I think. Underground. Microbiology. I have dreamt of this laboratory before. some parts have secure areas, to which I am being trained access or I have access. I wonder if this is a new training method for me. Am I seeing a real lab concurrently? Or one in my future? Or is it a training ground? I am being trained to handle high security, hazardous material. Other people’s soul issues?
Then today, more discussion over ping with Him. Divorce is imminent. I will have to do all the work to make it happen. I wish I wish I wish it could have been different, but I deserve so much more than he can give me, and I cannot withstand the lies and the deceit. I cannot believe him, and wanting to is making me physically ill. I used the emails as a crutch to support me in my fear and my pain. A fantasy. I will have to fulfill these relational needs in a different fashion, and be saddened that he speaks of waiting, but does not wait. That he is another emotionally incested man, internalized an estranged father. That his spiritual change is not nearly so forthcoming as he might portray, or hope.
That’s OK. It is all OK. Goddess will provide, I guess. I don’t want love. I don’t trust love. I don’t want a relationship. I just want touch, and a little friendship, and some attention that doesn’t burn me to the core.
Yeah, right. I lie. I want passion, full on love, someone who gives a damn about me full tilt and I can give a damn about full tilt. Absolute fidelity and intensity and promises and …………
Another mama’s boy, playing games with hearts. And I fall for it every time. Maybe that is the lesson I needed to learn from him. And he will learn nothing from me. Oh, goddess, I feel so emotionally weak. I hurt so bad. I am so vulnerable………….