Grandmother


I tried my first shamanic drum journey.

I doubt I did it right.  My computer speakers were faint and tinny.  I was in the hottub, because I often meditate in the hottub.  I feel sooo Aphrodite there.  And I had trouble concentrating through the entire trance portion.

I was not expecting to arrive at a tropical paradise, replete with bright green moving to crimson cycads, towering palms, crystalline blue skies, and smell of sea salt.  Maybe it was the hottub.

I walked, running my fingers along the stiff fronds.  I was barefoot.  I was being watched.  From behind, then from all around.

To my left, a huge black spider looked at me from a dark hollow among the foliage.  I held out my left arm, and she dropped her immense weight upon it.  As I stared at her and she at me, the bit me on the wrist, one fang atop and one below, into my vein.

I could feel the tingle and heat and change of the poison rushing with my heart beat.  It moved up my arm and across my chest and when it pounded through my heart I felt…. blue white?  tingles? flushed?

Slowly, I became a mirror image of that spider.  The world looked odd as I tried to comprehend a vision of eight eyes.  Rainbows cascading my vision as light refracted across the lenses.  I could feel my web, my lifeline, my art, my personal world drawing out behind me.  I hung there, contemplative, head down.  Breathing through my abdomen seemed so natural, so strong.  The ringing in my ears became the song of spiders, their voices.  I crawled along a trunk.  I could feel the heartbeat of the tree beneath my leg tips.  The cosmic sky rained down upon my midnight black carapace. 

Ugly, and beautiful all at once.  Powerful and stealthy.  A hunter who does not know she hunts.  A creator of the spiral web.

I ate my own web, and it was right.  I hung with legs paired, almost like a human.  I listened, and I breathed, and I thought the thoughts of spiderkin.

I emerged too soon, unable to hold the journey.  Twice I had awoken, twice I fidgeted.  I do not know if I released the spirits back into the world properly.  I will do better next time.

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