Dear Goddess


Christien suggested I write this to you.  I am always leery of asking for what I want, because I know how I can twist it into something I didn’t really think I wanted,but created anyway.

I want sacred sex.  I want sex surrounded by candles, and incense, and the sound of drums.  I want it long and slow and deep and intense and staring into someone’s eyes who cares.  I want a sacred, safe place where my demons can sleep while I be as present as possible.  I want it with someone who has never hurt me, and who can hold me safely.  I want to not have to beg or ask or debase or compromise myself, that it be a gift between dear friends. 

I want to love myself enough to keep myself as safe as I would keep someone else that I cared deeply about.  I want to trust myself enough that I will follow my instincts properly, be true to myself, and allow my magic to flow within and through and from me.  I want to be the ocean that others see in me, of love, of sex, of emotion, of power, of self disposition, of grace, of self knowledge.

I called in my power, my truth, my magic, my trust of my instincts, my goddess.  I would call in my spirit guides, my deepest intuition, my path. 

I am a greenwitch.  I am of the Earth, time, life, balance, wherein I stand upon the knife edge and see all before and behind.  I am of the body, and the spirit, and the mind, and the heart, and I revel and delight and experience them all.  I want joys as equal to the pains, pains that I might cherish the joys, and bring hope to others along their paths.

I want to understand my tools, my energies, my instincts, my inner knowledge.  I want companions along the path whom I can trust, and love, and accept.  I want to not be owned nor to own, but to share, my life, my knowledge, my love, my strength.

I want acceptance and to accept, to be free from inner pains for that which has gone before me, to releae myself from ties of flesh while loving flesh, from ties of emotion while loving emotion, from ties of mind while loving mind, from ties of spirit while loving spirit.

I want a home, beautiful with flowers and a sacred dancing ground and room for horses and an orchard and my family, of all kinds, to visit, and space for my loves to visit, if they cannot stay.  I want a job I enjoy, which sustains me just enough and leaves room for my other loves and dreams and powers.  I want to write, and ride, and plant, and create, and remain as ordered as I can given the range of all that I am. 

I want to have space for others, to love them, to give to them, to offer to them without need of return, to have enough to provide some of mine to them, to create for them, to allow them to be as they are, and to still love me enough to keep myself bound within my borders if I must needs be kept safe from their darkness.  I want to own my own darkness, and love it, and revel in it, and feed it as I would feed any starving animal, and yet keep it balance with my light and love and honor them both.

I want to love myself enough to keep myself in health, and be willing to take some risks in life that I find my edges, push my boundaries, experience more than I would have otherwise thought.

Ah, Goddess, I desire to be all that I birthed myself to be, the possibilities I sensed.  And maybe, to find that boy, he who waited with me, who was to be born after me, he whom I have sought all these years.

And, Goddess, thank you for the years I’ve already lived.  Thank you for opening me to beauty, that I might realize how I can manifest all these things wondrous as well as hideous that ever I have dreamt or visioned.

I want to add to this list, as I grow, as I become more than what I am.  As I expand into my nexus and create all that I am.

Oops, he said everything that I LOVE.  Ok, here goes.

I love kittens and cats purring in my hair.  I love the smell of horses in the sun.  I love my dancing ground, and the ringing of my madrigal bells.  I love my Filip and his smarts and his wisdom.  I love my Devon and his charm and his love of life.  I love Sunrise for her giving nature and her beauty and her heart and when I ride her I feel like I am butter.  I love sunrises and sunsets.  I love deepest fog, walking and rising and listening to the quiet.  I love thunderstorms rolling across the plains.  I love rugged lands with nooks and crannies.  I love safe places to watch storms from.  I love my loves being safe.  I love looking into the eyes of someone who deeply loves me.  I love to watch others blossom with my love.  I love to be a muse and helps others find a dream they thought they had lost.  I love bittersweet stories and bittersweet chocolate.  I love the way the brownies never left me forget they exist.  I love living in my magic every day.  I love wind in the trees like a song and a whisper.  I love my body and the way it stays built.  I love the beauty I finally get to see and hear and experience.  I love scary crows and scary rollercoasters.  I love my hair.  I love good, sacred, hot, intense, sex kitten sex.  I love writing words that make me feel amazing and color my thoughts onto the page.  I love reading a really good book that moves me.  I love painting rooms the colors that make me feel strong and well.  I love thinking deep thoughts.  I love talking about the universe and dimensions and reality with Filip.  I love my Jeep and my horse trailer.   I love living in the US.  I love the Flint Hills.  I love winter snows without the blasting winds.  I love the wind kissing my hair and my skin.  I love Brother Sky listening to me and sometimes doing as I ask, and telling me his stories from far away places.  I love the full moon and how it pulls on me.  I love walking beneath the full moon light, and dancing naked with need in its night.  I love a sky spilling with stars.  I love my unicorn blanket.  I love my new bed.  I love owning enough land for horses so that I feel at home and safe.  I love howling with my dogs.  I love seeing my animals with happy, contented, emotional and physical and mental needs well met faces and bodies.  I love talking animal.  I love birds bringing me signs.  I love the signs of dragon flies.  I love how questions I ask are answered by the entire of nature.  I love prophetic dreams.  I love traveling in dreams.  I love clairvoyant, living other people’s lives, other world, other times dreams.  I love being trained in my spiritual arts in dreams.  I love listening to my thoughts.  I love creating synthesis between thoughts.  I love seeing, and seeing in color.  I loving hearing, the voices within and beautiful voices from without.  I love typing.  I love harp and flute music.  I love 3/4 time.  I love sharing my life with someone special.  I love feeling whole.  I love feeling independent.  I love taking care of myself.  I love finding creative solutions to problems.  I love order in my life, even though I have a great deal of work to make this real.  I love roses and fruit trees.  I love cottonwoods and oaks.  I love learning lessons, even if they are hard.  I love taking tests, even if I fear them coming and am stressed during the taking.  I love seeing how well I did.  I love a sense of accomplishment at a job well done.  I love digging and finding information.  I love building my mind and my heart.  I love sharing my wealth and joys with those I love.  I love having enough to give without fear.  I love my vanity.  I love my dark thoughts.  I love my deviant thoughts.  I love my creativity.  I love my skill with web pages.  I love helping a group when I know I won’t let anyone down.  I love keeping my promises.  I love my stubborn pride.  I love my breasts that are giving milk.  I love my dad.  I love Todd.  I love Mark.  I love so many people being attracted to me, even if I don’t know how to handle it.  I love Brittney.  I love Megan and Chris.  I love that they take care of each other, sort of.  I love Betty and Abigail.  I love Selene.  I love my magic/sorcerer/witches calling.  I love being a greenwitch.  I love mowing.  I love hot days.  I love warm nights.  I love having a nice, comfortable home.  I love making a house feel like a home.  I love my fish.  I love my need for natural things.  I love building with leather.  I love my neediness.  I love my need to be loved and to give love.  I love my tears of joy and of sorrow.  I love my ocean of emotions.  I love my breadth of cold reason.  I love my spirit and my science and my dance and my desires.  I love when someone answers a question I only asked in my head.  I love hearing other’s thoughts on occasion.  I love knowing the real depths of another person’s motivations.  I love trusting my truth and sticking to it and acting from it, even if it is soooo scary.  I love when magic happens.  I love walking under many skies.  I love being understood only by a few people.  I love people reading what I write, and liking most of it.  I love feeling like a finger of the goddess.  I love the wisdom of Tara.  I love my Tarot cards and how I am always improving reading them.  I love when I do well at my job, no matter what it is.  I love teaching science.  I love chocolate.  I love transformations.  I love being a muse.  I love Toke.  I love smoking marijuana.  I love having visions.  I love hearing the voice of the spirits and the god/dess.  I love sex with men.  I love my freedom.  I love thinking of myself as a free spirit, even if I don’t think I live up to it much.  I love my desire to be vulnerable.  I love feeling like a victim if it gets me attention = EW!  I must really need attention.  I love having evidence.  I love learning enough to feel that I am right, at least for me.  I love feeling so special to only one person, one man, who truly loves me and wants to be with ME, just the way I am.  I love giving all that focused attention to one person and helping them feel special on this planet, so special to one person who loves them just the way they are. I love being told the truth, even if at first it hurts.  I love being honest, even if sometimes I am afraid to.  I love keeping promises.  I love when promises are kept with me.  I love making promises that mean something to someone.  I love finding the perfect gift that makes someone feel good.  I love being healthy, wealthy and wise.  I love gifting with sex and being gifted in return.  I love security in a relationship, however I can define that.  I love finding wild strawberries and blackberries.  I love planting trees and watching them get big.  I love my toes in the dirt.  I love walking in a field and not getting chiggers or ticks.  I love watching the clouds.  I love walking the clouds.  I love Indian food.  I love eating simply.  I love milk.  I love beautiful clothes.  I love all the people inside me.  I love sharing spirituality with people I love.  I love getting to know Christien better.  I love setting wild things free after giving them care.  I love feeling confident.  I love knowing I make a good choice, a right choice, a proper for my moment in time choice.  I love seeing the past/present/future all at once.  I love sensing spirits around me.  I love finding little lizards in my yard.  I love moles in my yard.  I love keeping ants and cockroaches and icky bugs out of my house.  I love Tudor houses and berm houses.  I love safe barns for my horses.  I love blackberry mead.  I love having things other people would like so I can give them to them with a joyful heart.  I like giving the larger half of the last piece to someone I love.  I love taking care of my body with dance and weight and sleep.  I love feeling like an energy storm pulsing in place and in tune with the harmony of the universe.  I love the smell of sandalwood. 

Whew, enough for now.

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