I keep dreaming.
I always dream. I love to dream. I live more life at night than during the day.
I dreamt of toxic waste. Every home I ever lived in was swimming in radioactive waste. Most of the houses were completely changed, or gone, buried beneath the attempt to reclaim the land. This land was still toxic.
I dream often of land I do not recall owning, and I am always surprised when I wake and realize I do not own such pieces of property that I can recall them all. I also keep dreaming of a house on a hill at the edge of a lake, with a stone step down to the lake. There are never enough trees near this house. It is three stories, two normal, one walk out basement. Always the wide, placid lake. Always the long stone step down to it. There is never enough land, and I worry where I will keep the horses.
This time there were also warriors, a squad of army rangers with me, or I with them. My forces were gathered. We were in trouble, having been betrayed by much of the rest of the army, but we were fighting on, guerilla style. We were loyal, and faithful, and brave, and true to our cause and each other. We were resourceful and kind, creating makeshift weapons and refurbishing helicopters for our escape all the while aiding a young boy who had been hiding in the old military complex we had secured against the outside forces. We might be doomed, but we never lost heart and we kept on fighting.
Are all my dreams so freudian in truth? When I dream over and over of old boydfriends who betrayed me and I accepted them again? Am I so desirous to take in the hard luck cases? Does it make me feel better about myself to surround myself with people equally if not more damaged than myself? that is a sobering, discomforting thought. In that way, I am just like my mother, pretending to help others just to prop up my fragile ego. I have had this thought before, and fought it, and possibly I lost. Yet I love to see others succeed, even at my expense. Thus I was a teacher and tried to support those who might go beyond me and my chosen level of skill. I want to be a beacon, but I am not certain I deserve nor know enough to light the way for others, thus I sabotage my efforts with my lack of faith, in myself.
Do I also just draw the hard luck cases to me? They who confide in me in something like a trance state even though they do not comprehend they do so?
1. I think I want love yet I choose hate which must needs be transformed
2. I think I want healthy people yet I am drawn to those who seem to ‘need’ love and draw to me those who want to hurt someone else
3. I think I desire serenity and growth yet I create cycles and my own drama of pain with each relationship I embark upon.
4. I think I want to help people grow yet I preach and push and pretend I am leading my example but am just as easily feeding my ego.
Ew. Anymore painful truths I need to uncover?
I did call in trusting my intuition, my power, my truth.
Now, what do I REALLY want? Safety? Serenity? Growth? Truth? Transformation? Toxic Waste? Paradise found or created? Collecting souls in pain? Providing others the means to grow? Forcing others to grow to make myself feel better? Challenge? Success? Failure? School of hard knocks? Value my gains through hardship?
I have no clear vision. The cards keep telling me deception and illusions. (From others? from myself? Inability to accept my truth and trust my intuition? Or trusting my intuition when it lies?) Upside down teaching. (Turning teaching on its ear? I am not a teacher? I will not find my teacher? I must be my own teacher?)
Must I always second guess myself, never trust, never learn, never really grow? When will I allow my gut feelings to rule my life for a while and leave the questions behind?
I must sit with her. Let her infuse me. Let my truth shine within in so that it will light my way.
I must become my dream.