A Case For Shock And Awe

My truth:  I really thought I had married one of the good guys.  I am very sad to face the fact that I married someone who, when he said something negative about someone else it was primarily a projection of his own flaws;  Anything he said was wrong for someone else to do or that he would never consider doing, was something he was actually doing all along; And that he subtly and not so subtly tears down people around him.  And I believed in him.  I bought the lie.  I must accept the ongoing consequences of my naivety. 

It is a shock to wake up and realize nothing was real.  That the person I loved was a fraud.  That I was merely used again.  I feel pain to realize that there really ARE people like this in the world, and worse that I attract and am attracted to and choose to stay with them.  I am horrified to realize how damaged I must be, how gullible I am, how incapable of discerning real emotion and real people.  How I fall for the lies like any other stupid girly.  I am another statistic myself.  Gods, what an idiot.  He could easily have been, might still be, a serial killer or rapist and I would not have believed it.  Just another stupid, gullible,  manipulatable girl.

My body keeps resisting this truth.  I feel it every time I am reawakened and shocked that people like this actually exist, and that I keep finding them.  It hits me like a baseball bat every time I have to realize that people who are selfish, callous, unfeeling, completely self absorbed, absolute lying with ease and have no conscience about it.  These people are REAL.  They use people and spit them out.  This is no fantasy that happens to other people.  THIS IS REAL.  HE IS FILLED WITH NOTHING BUT HATE AND SELFISHISHNESS.  I AM NOTHING TO HIM BUT A PLAYTOY.  I ABSOLUTELY MUST REMEMBER THIS EVERY MOMENT AND NEVER DOUBT, NEVER DOUBT, THAT HE IS CAPABLE OF ANY OUTRAGE TO FUEL HIS SELF IMAGE AND HIS DESIRES.  There is nothing remotely ‘human’ within him.  He is a demon in the flesh.  He cannot change.  Every thought, every feeling, every word is about controlling and manipulating and hurting and dismissing and using and lying and fulfilling his desires.  I do not exist to him.  I exist only for my own salvation.  He is my enemy, a bad guy, a villain through and through.  A golem, constructed to look human but inside he is twisted and cruel and demeaning and selfish and looking only for the opportunity.

Oh my gods.  I keep fooling myself that there is something else in there.  But when I look in his eyes, or hear him speak, or feel his touch, I know the truth.  He is an emptiness, a sucking void living off of others because he is not actually alive.  I keep thinking maybe I saw that tiny piece of him screaming at the bottom of his own well, that piece which is human and wants freed.  But I think that piece was corrupted long before I ever met him, and has given itself over to this demon and revels with it, and together, they will never change.

Now I think I comprehend why your friends didn’t want me around.  They couldn’t look me in the eye, knowing how you treated me behind my back, knowing who you really were.  I wonder if you charm your new groups of people while still diminish others?  If you truly want to change your outlook on the world or if it has served you so well that you wouldn’t dream of really changing?  Is that a serious personal flaw, or a character defect so deep that it will never change?

I want a real relationship with a real partner, someone who actually hears me and cares about me as a person and more than an object of self gratification.  I want someone with real confidence and who means what they say and lives according to their values, which include more than self protection, blaming others for their misery, and that rules are meaningless, and that the only bad thing is being stupid enough to get caught.  When someone looks at me I don’t see a calculating demon trying to hypnotize me with their pinpoint pupils, but someone who truly gets lost in my eyes and looks upon me with love and a desire to hold me close, not crush me so I can’t see what they are really looking at.

And the demons shall win, for I am becoming more and more like him.  I wish to practice being different, being authentic, being honest and open.  But to survive, I must go underground, and hide, and lie, and feel only an angry picking at his scabs.  I will hate myself as much as he hates everything and everyone.  I need to find my way out of this, but does that leave me open to more exploitation?  How do I grow, and be honest, and open, and not be used so easily again?

It is so hard to hang on to myself.  To realize all my own failings, wondering if I will ever overcome them.  To be sucked into his mind games over and over with the vain hope I will learn to overcome them and rise above them.  All I want is to be loved, to be allowed to love, and by this wish I am undone.


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