I must examine my motivations.
I have chosen to engage him in a guided meditation to face his fears and imagine himself telling his most terrifying secrets to me. In my vision, also IN MAY! where I saw into his soul, I saw that place that I am taking him now. I KNOW what his soul looks like, and how to guide him there because I HAVE BEEN THERE. My goal is to use this to MY advantage, not to get advantage over him, but to gain insight into myself and to work on my issues and growth with him as my sounding board.
What advantages I am getting:
1. I am in control so I feel safe – P because I have felt so out of control, yet N because I have no control over his motives or internal life or outcome so to assume I have control is self limiting, illusory, and fantasy
2. I am able to look him in the eye with my most open, compassionate, goddess emotives – P because I want feel so negative about him and I know my thoughts underneath bely any attempt at kindness so I can focus in this safe space only on my kindness and leave all negative thoughts outside
3. I can influence him on a subtle level – N because this is just manipulation and my intent is wasted if I am focusing on this outcome
4. I can manipulate the situation if I choose – I have a great deal of power – N because this power needs to come from him rather than me and my having too much power on the surface means he goes deeper inside his addiction to fight for his own power
5. I can imagine I am hypnotizing him to become someone I can deal with – N, very N, because this is a negative motivation and a fantasy anyway
6. I can make myself believe it will do some good – N because that is a codependent response rather than doing this to make my situation better by addressing my issues and only offering what support I can for his
7. I am not sitting back idly and feeling helpless – P because the more helpless I feel the more panicky and controlling I become, so if I can provide some relief for my need to DO something I can relax in other areas
8. I do believe in the ability to rewire the brain through focused thought and if he is willing to do this with me, I should give it an honest, reliable, compassionate try – P because this is a healing exercise and I am doing what I can not as his therapist, not as his doctor, but in an attempt to be a friend
9. I feel like a healer when he enters my space filled with candles and incense and I begin the meditation, and I need that feeling to become the person I am and always have been within – it feels odd and yet authentic and where I have meant to be all along – P because I do have this within me and I am getting to practice being this person and acting this person until I can be comfortable taking this person authentically into the rest of my life
What advantages he is possibly receiving/taking:
1. more pretending in order to humor me – N
2. thinking he is having a chance to lull me back – N
3. rather than following the guided meditation, he is actually having time to fantasize about sex – N
4. rather than following the meditation, he is fantasizing about hurting/doing things to/objectifying me – N
5. focusing on his feelings of anger and hate – N
6. being provided an opportunity to interact with me in a ritualized, safe environment – P
7. having brain practice at facing his fears and telling his secrets to someone – P
8. rewiring his brain with active, focused practice toward a desired goal – P
9. interacting with someone on an intimate level in a safe space – P
Should I even assume what advantages he is receiving/taking? I doubt it. That is trying to get into his head.
Yet I struggle with the two concepts, one that we are individuals and are ‘supposed’ to speak only in ‘I’ and on the other hand that we are all connected and actually the same thing and that our ripples are of one and that I actually do know what other people are feeling and that I can read minds to a certain extent and that my intuitions are correct. I can do my best to keep those thoughts to myself, but when I know he is lying or I feel the deeper motivations bubbling from within someone else and I think I can’t say anything, that seems unauthentic, too. And maybe I am just rationalizing myself into self defeating, entangling, manipulative behavior.
I think that if I focus on my positive motivations and deflect my negative potentionals, this excercise may benefit us both and I will gain skill in facing my demons with compassion and focusing my intent in a direction I choose rather than allowing myself to react and run away and become lost in my own fear responses.
What feels wrong about doing this? What is my niggling sense of doubt?
Perhaps that I am wasting my time and will only succeed in setting myself up for more hurt.
I must practice the art of being vulnerable, and accepting the pain that will come thereby. Just that thought makes my heart race and my breathing rapid and shallow. There is always the fear that I am walking only into madness rather than clarity, and that I am going to live in a world of delusion rather than truth.
I am having to be my own teacher, my own guru, my own sounding board, and that can lead to feedback loops which will lock me in time and place.
There is something deeper. I feel it. I cannot reach it. Something from my past? Something about cults and insanity and being so unable to face reality that I make it all up? Something someone said long ago that was so powerful it made me doubt all my sense of faith, in the universe, in the breadth of reality, in myself? If I find that thing, am I afraid it would leave me unable to accept my faith, or unable to accept my life, or unable to move ahead from the pain of that betrayal? I feel a shut and locked door, bolted and steel and grown over with weeds. What will I find if I am able to open it? I haven’t been able to open them before. Maybe this exercise will open a path to my soul as well, and that is what I fear? Am I afraid my motivations are so twisted and unauthentic, or that I am still afraid to be selfish and using another for my own ends feels icky, or being near him feels so icky it is like going into his grossness over and over, or I am just playing another power game, or I am wasting my time, or I don’t want to be so connected to him, or being so close to his hate may make me become more comfortable with it, or that he will end up ‘winning’ because he is the better manipulator and is actually twisting this to his benefit, or I am following the wrong path and am blocking my recognition of this, or that I am offering on the one hand and taking away by looking for my own sexual encounters at the time time so I am playing a mean trick (ok, that one hits home, being just like him, tricksy, false), what what what what what?
What am I missing????