Addiction? Shame? Mommy Issues? Values? Or Just Cruel, Lazy, Life Should Just Be Fun?

My heart is tired.  I think I will go live in my brain for a little bit.

Addiction.  Brain function.  I think researchers are missing some important aspects.

1.  evolutionary pathways.  input > output and convoluted variants thereof.  cholinergic pathways are action, movement, decision, ‘will’.  dopamine/melanin/seratonin derived pathways are about inhibition, stopping, cessation, completion, satiation, ‘self control’.  cholingeric and melanatonin – cholinergic cause muscle contraction (muscles must then relax in opposition – more than merely stopping the release of acetylcholine?  .  melantonin is found in the outer layers which interact with the outer world.  somehow, therefore, melanin is involved in recognition of outside influence.  Yet, even bacteria have a simple, chemical version of goal oriented behavior vs avoidance behavior as well as interaction/neutralish/social behavior.  So, three basic interactive systems – positive affect, negative affect, collective affect.  sensory systems = positive and negative would be determined.  Digestive nervous system is possibly on a very similar level to the hydra neural network, total involvement due to stimulus, diffuse response, chemical environment responsive, much of its interaction at a more ancient evolutionary level due to the controlled environment in which it has maintained its function, compared to the massively increasing responses of the central nervous system, and the incresing complexity of the autonomic systems, with whom it more directly interacts, although though systems are an older evolutionary adaptation and not as labile nor as intertwined and complex as the CNS.

2.  cerebellum – usual focus is the pleasure pathways, however, addictions seem so ‘reptilian’ in nature rather than purely mamalian, so what if a mammalian ‘higher’ brain function is being coopted by a lower brain function relating to unmet physical needs?  What is the patterns established are not about pleasure/emotion, but the ritualistic nature implies a direct link to the subconcious.  The links between autism, sensory integration disorder, input static, ritualized behaviors, and the sensory input, integration, and body location seems a more likely candidate.  Therefor, repatterning might have an effect on reaching those body/brain regions which seem to be intimately involved in the addiction process.

input = sensory = chemical processing = positive (energy, environment, /negative (pain, poison, overload)/intercellular (active, dormant = activate or inhibit, so most ancient chemicals would be also cholinergic/melatonin derivatives?   melatonin = pigment, interacts with light, light sensor, eyespot, environmental sensor which interacts at a chemical level, yet melatonin derivatives are part of the ‘turn off’ pathway – (dna methylation, yes, but what is the structure of the chemical creating this methylation process?  methylation appears to be part of the inhibitory process for multipcellular cooperatives – thus I predict the chemical relationship between melatonin and critical pathway protien – in bacteria, methylated dna is ‘self’ while unmethylated is ‘not self’ and degraded by enzymes/ also, nascent DNA is compared to parent DNA strand for replication errors by which is methylated – hmm, this would seem to be the oldest possible use, thus why RNA would be part of the process of methylating = )

hmm.. dopamine on sympathetic nervous system creates symptoms of panic attack = increased heart rate and blood pressure. 

output = motor

haha, i love it.  I was taught that what occurred during pregnancy shouldn’t affect subsequent generations.  I knew that didn’t need to be so, and now science is rediscovering this.  Genes turned on and off during pregancy affect later generation.s  DUH.  evolution would require that, to adapt to a new environment.  evolution has been at this survival game for billions of years.  of COURSE there are thousand of mechanisms to survive changing environements!

tyrosine > dopamine > adrenalin/noradrenalin – part of the negative environmental simulus system – (high levels from excess soun, light, or low levels of blood sugar) (many plant alkaloids = drugs = avoidance of eating – inhibit) – deregulate pathways in sympathetic system?  aha!  allow stimulation of sympathetic to take place !  So, trauma during childhood would alter these levels due to overproduction and overuse during critical development periods such that set point has been altered.  If normally they inhibit, then are they inhibiting the inhition of the output system to run or defend?  Is that system in a generally alert mode and only requires the nerves which are holding it in stasis to be inhibited??  antipsychotics induce a depression like state (lack of motivation, lack of concentration (dopamine shutting down neural ‘noise), anhedonia) while addiction creates a cycle of psychosis (too much dopamine? obsession, excessive neural noise – single mindedness? and severe hedonistic seeking? certain pathways are overexpressing their effects which interrupts balanced neural function?) and depression (dopamine production overtaxed?)(pleasure seeking is interpreted by the brain as cessation of input?  Completion of task?  No more?  Is inhition a form of pleasure, in that the neurons are being signaled that their function is complete and they are getting positive feedback which keeps them from seeking active signalling because they are being signalled already?)  Dopamine a critical transmitter in the pain pathways – decrease = more pain, thus pain signals are also inhibitory based?  Dopamine can be synthesized and released by immune cells!  That is key…. It activates resting T cells but inhibits active T Cells. 

Oh wow, what if choosing a mate is very chemical/smell related, and we are choosing based on chemicals released intoto which are similar to those of familial but with opposite immune such that environment of parental figure with any form of low dopamine would induce person to find another low dopamine producer as familiar?

Cool!  antipsychotic – why I am not psychotic?  My brain?  Why I have nearly no response to cocaine?  My dopamine uptake is well regulated already?

What if it is all wrong?  What if addiction, lying, abuse, are all just entitlement, just power plays to be alpha in the pack?  Perks, and privilege, and resources, and hormones changing the brain?  Mommy and daddy issues just determine how the abuse will be played out.  Corrupted mommy bonding becomes corrupted pack bonding.  I bet those brain pathways are very linked, mommy bonding, pack bonding, then pair bonding.  I bet there are numerous connections, perhaps even branching directly from mommy to pack, one pathway serving as the baseline for an evolutionarily newer one.  All about power, and culture of childhood determines how that power is played out, what acts of selfishness are acceptable. 

Shame?  Shame is socially outwardly determined behavior necessary to curb the selfish desires of packmembers so the pack can survive.  If a selfish behavior conflicts with pack survival, shame is the biological mechanism to keep that pack member in line.  It serves a useful purpose.  It can be misused to control due to power issues, dominance, just like my abusive horse who beat up other horses but was never satisfied, never felt safe.  She completely abused her power and hurt the other horses.  The first power play is between care giver and self, self needs versus needs of the caregiver.  Balance, if the needs of the caregiver are not primary then the caregiver cannot provide necessary care for the self.  That power play, that brain pathway hard wires for survival, is then overlaid for pack dynamics, again, the pack is the larger need, the self in conflict when its needs alone are all it cares about.  Shame is to make the self recognize the needs of the pack, and meet those needs first.  Recognize that self is important, but without pack, self will not continue to exist.  Pack is more important, irregardless of the more ancient programming of self as important.  Chronic shame, shame internalized such that every act elicits that shame, corrupts the bonding circuitry into a negative feedback loop.  How that static of feedback is expressed is determined by learning.

And all about values, and entitlement.  He thinks he shouldn’t have to work so hard.  I see that attitude, in myself sometimes.  Some things just shouldn’t be so hard.  But he thinks his entire life shouldn’t be so hard, certainly not his ‘girlfriend’, and it is all someone else’s fault, someone else should make him happy, someone else is to blame for everything.  He tasted ‘fun’, and that is all he wants.  Finding a ‘girl’ was supposed to make life ‘fun’, and when a relationship turned out to be work, well, he knew exactly where to have only ‘fun.’  ‘Girls’ he could throw money at to make him have fun, tell him how great he was, fill his mind and gut with lust.  Fun fun fun.  It was all my fault his life wasn’t fun, so I deserved everything he was doing, and since I wasn’t perfect enough for him, obviously since he was having to work rather than just keep having fun, then he deserved to do whatever it took so he could have fun.  To hell with everyone else, they are just there to make his life easy, and fun, and give him whatever he wants.  He shouldn’t have to work at a relationship, hell no, he should just show up, and the relationship should be there just to fulfill his needs and he should never have to actually DO anything.  And when things aren’t working right, primarily because he refuses to put any work into them, of course, no maintenance, no care, no updates or upgrades or mending, well, it must be someone else’s fault, because he did his part, he showed up.  How DARE someone, anyone expect him to actually have to DO WORK to keep a relationship?  How DARE anyone EXPECT him to TRY?  Talk is good enough!  He said how great he was going to behave, he says he cares, what the fuck more do they want?  That is good enough, damn it!  He shouldn’t have to actually WORK!!!!  If the relationship requires him to lift a finger, then it is obviously horrible and wrong and the other person is selfish and mean so he deserves to void his given word and ignore his vows and do whatever the hell he feels like to have proper fun!  Selfish, lazy, entitled brat.

And what pain?  Well, for one, he was paying women to treat him like a faceless, nameless ATM machine, so although he pretended he was ‘winning’ and ‘in control,’ in actuality he was repeatedly setting himself up for pain because 1.  he went home alone, so he might tell himself that he dumped them, but he was the one out hundreds of dollars and alone in the end, even alone from me because he refused to bond with me, and he only cared if they accepted his ‘proposal’ for a ‘date’;  2. they didn’t give a shit about him, and if they said anything about him at all, it was derogitory, so they treated him exactly as he was treating me, exactly as he was afraid to be treated;  3.  he was actually rejected over and over and over because not a one of them fell for his sob story about what a great guy he really was, and what a raw deal he had with his wife whom he actually loved even though she was a heartless bitch, all while sticking his dick in some whore who had heard that exact same sob story from the other 50 men she fucked that month, and, poor him, not a one of those hundreds of women thought he was worth ‘saving’ them from their ‘life of sin,’ and he was just another john;  4.  he paid some stranger to do all the work in the five to 45 minute ‘relationship’, so while he believed his lie that he was large and in charge, in reality he got weaker and weaker and more and more worthless and stupider and stupider and less functional and capable and more deluded and lazy and pointless.  So he kept going back for more, because he felt worse and worse about himself and he kept running out of ‘fun’ chemicals, and it was so much easier and ‘fun’ than actually working on a real relationship, and it was all my fault he wasn’t enjoying life like he expected.  After all, he married the bitch, why wasn’t she making him happy anymore?  Duh, he was NEVER happy.  He consumes people like he consumes books, or movies, or worthless food, or sleep, or emotions, or others pain.  He gets a thrill out of pain, and out of making other people hurt.  Maybe not enjoy, but definitely adrenalin rushy thrills.


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