Silly, I was reading over my page yesterday. I had said ‘I must make him choose.’ How stupid. I can’t MAKE him do anything. I can only lay down my boundary, that if he chooses to continue his lies, I will assume he is continuing his addictions. I choose not to feel second place. Or third, or one hundredth, which is how I feel due to his heartless actions. I choose to be first, or not at all. He may think it isn’t so black and white, but when it comes to being first in someone’s heart, that is pretty much black and white. Either I am first, and I am treated like I am first, and he keeps working at making certain I know that I am first, or there is nothing here that is worth the effort.
I haven’t given myself a time period yet. I suppose the end of this month is pretty critical. I need to lay down my boundary to myself, that if the things we agreed upon aren’t acted upon as agreed, within that time frame, then it is stupid for me to expect anything different in the following months. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to lose everything on top of losing so terribly much.
We do what we must do. We do what it takes to survive.
Survival is not enough.
I wanted to live. To make good memories. To create a real future with a real partner. To build things, material things and emotional things and memorable things.
All that is destroyed. all the memories, all the hopes, all the holidays, all the trust, all the belief.
I suppose that leaves me very zen, very one day at a time. Every day I don’t wish I were dead. Every day I get out of bed and go to work. Every day I don’t sob.
This is not life. This is bare survival.
I am not happy. I am not at peace. I am not balanced. I am miserable. I have no hopes, no dreams, nothing to look forward to for myself.
The only thing I trust in from him is that he will lie, and never come clean, and I will be afraid, forever afraid of him.
It will take years of this kind of effort. Years. Not weeks. Not months. Years.
I have no evidence that he is willing nor able to put that kind of effort into a personal relationship. Not when there are so much easier, lazier, quick-fix methods available to him. I have never been worth his real effort. I don’t see any reason that would be different for him now.
Very zen. Very lonely. So very lost and sad. Clinging to each moment with no drive, no future.
I am not buddhist. I am witch. This isn’t life. This isn’t living. This is barely surviving.
Every time I feel a sense of hope, I nip it in the bud. Hoping hurts too much. Every time I feel joy, it withers and dies. Joy feels fake. Every time I smile, a frown wipes it away as quickly as it came. Smiles are empty. I feel the burden of the hate and punishment and betrayal of all those people he brought into this relationship, all the time. Life feels like merely a burden, a punishment, and I still feel like I am dragging my bones through hot gravel, never escaping, never seeing a way out.
What did I do wrong? This was no act of nature, no natural disaster. This was another human being, purposefully and willfully inflicting cruelty upon another. What did I do wrong?
I sobbed last night, trying to grieve but only feeling pain and loneliness and betrayal. I cry again today.
I dont’ know why I am here.
I only know I hurt, always and always and always every day and every minute and every thought and feeling I hurt.
Blame is nothing. Hope is nothing. Survival is nothing.
I am nothing.
I wanted to be something. I wanted to shine, for just one person. I wanted to shower someone in my love, and feel nurtured in return.
I should be dancing beneath the full moon. Singing with the crickets. Climbing trees and watching the snowfall with big, awed eyes. I should be riding my horse beneath the Fall leaves. I should be ….
I am not. I hurt too much to care anymore. This is the fate I worked so hard to avoid. Even when he was pulling away, I was trying to live, to show him and others how they might live, and enjoy living, and be awake and alive.
What did I so wrong?
Why do I bother asking pointless questions? What difference does anything make? What difference do I make? What do I bring to life, my life, his life, anyone’s life? Why do I keep trying? What is the point?
Sorry for myself, sorry for myself, hurt hurt, lonely, betrayed, stupid stupid stupid stupid
I can only change myself.
I use to care. I use to care a lot. I use to fight this feeling tooth and nail and not let it own me. Stupid. Caring about someone else is stupid. No one cares about anyone but themselves. Everything is just a game they play on each other while they pass time in life. Hope is just a way to manipulate people into giving up more of their life for people who don’t give a damn.
I use to think there was so much more.
I started writing this like I was functioning well. Underneath it all, I only hurt so badly, so lonely. Making plans, wishing, hoping, working towards an end, they just cover up how badly it hurts. The hurt never ever leaves. His betrayal will hurt forever. I will hurt forever.
I’m so tired.