Navy Blue Horror


Yesterday upon the stair

I loved a man that wasn’t there

He wasn’t there again today

I wish that man would go away

At least he is having difficulty lying about wanting to get back together now.  He knows fully well that he has fallen back into full addiction, total relapse, no return.  He knows he cannot fulfill any relationship with a real woman and can only deal with broken dolls for short periods of time to get his orgasm fix and then dump them and on to the next one.  Power power, whose got the power.  Not him.  That isn’t power, just abuse.

I suppose I should see that as a positive, for myself, that he is unable to continue the charade. 

Still, I feel cold, and scared all the time, and terribly sick to my stomach.  I cannot live like this.  I need love, and someone who gives a damn about themselves and me, who lives in integrity with their values rather than in a fog of lust and lies and constant denial.

I tried.  I really did try.  I love him so much that I had to try.  I don’t know if he actually tried or not.  I only know that he isn’t trying anymore.  He only wants his security and doesn’t care who he hurts to have it.  Apekind are so selfish, so small minded, so cruel.

I have no security, no safety, no future with him.  No matter how I wish it were different, he cannot love me.  He cannot be emotionally available for me.  Dear God/dess, I wish I could have my beautiful husband back.  This is such a nightmare, I feel so horrible and diseased all the time.  I cannot shake that navy blue horrible feeling between my shoulder blades.

This isn’t right.  It is so terribly wrong.  It wasn’t meant to be like this.  We were supposed to heal each other, care for each other, help each other like previous loves hadn’t.  But, we are cursed. 

Dear God/des, I miss my husband so badly.  I miss his hands, my hand in his hand.  I miss his eyes looking into mine with (what I thought was) love.  I miss listening to his heart beat. I miss him coming up and putting his arms around me.  I miss his political discussions, and watching movies together, and talking about books we both enjoyed.  I miss thinking of him when he wasn’t around, what to pick up for him at the grocery store, something he might like.  I miss wishing him well when he was on vacation or off for business.  I miss cooking with him, or eating his good cooking.  I miss so many things about the man.  I must remember, the cruel, thoughtless, abusive addict that he is also is, and that would destroy me without a care.

The relationship has always been on his terms.  He has always had the power.  That was all that mattered to him.  He lied, and made me think this love was something totally other than the reality.  He had a secret life, and made this relationship whatever he wanted it to be while I lived in his dreamworld.  And now, it is as empty as his real life is, empty conversations, stereotyped sentences we pass that say nothing, offer nothing, mean nothing.  I gave him my power because that is what you do when you love someone.  You become vulnerable to them, give, offer, open your heart and your hands and say ‘Here!  Here I am!  Be with me!’  But he was never with me.  I have always been alone.  I didn’t want power.  I wanted to share love.

He may think that now he is hurting only himself, but those that love addicts will always hurt when they destroy their lives.  Perhaps refusing to play up my hopes, really play them up, is the most honest thing he has ever done for me.  I wish he would really try to  be honest with himself.  Love himself.  But he doesn’t want love.  He doesn’t even know what that feels like.  He only wants power.  He is undone.

Dear God/dess, this hurts so terribly.

The writing is on the wall.

In my own blood.

Read it.

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