The Things I Cannot Change…. (September 2011)


From the same shit.

A dear friend posted one of those stupid ‘fill in with the people on your friend’s list’ things.  Who at a nightclub.  The very top ‘person’ was a ‘pole dancer.’ 

I began to lose it. 

Then some asshole posted how ‘gentlemen like to admire the female form.’  What a crock of shit!  What a rationalization, patriarchal justification to abuse women who were sexually abused as children so that men could have a supply of damaged dolls to play with!  What a cruel, cruel thing to say.


Growling, vicious, fury.  Pour all my hate and fear and terror upon this idiot!  Transfer all my pain! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I shake with rage.  I shake with pain.  I want to kill things, kill him, kill my husband.  Gods, I need to beat him with my fists until he bleeds, until he knows what it feels like to be so abused by someone who offered, OFFERED, ASKED FOR, PROMISED to be there for you, to have your back, to be trusted and care for you and be your best friend!  I WANT TO PHYSICALLY HURT HIM SO BADLY.  I WANT TO SEE HIM BLEED THE WAY I BLED, BODY AND SOUL AND HEART BLEEDING FROM UTTER BETRAYAL! 

My pain is physical, sick, shaking, I can’t concentrate, I want to run the hell out of here, I don’t know how I am going to manage work the rest of the day.

Does he have a daughter?  Would he be happy if she were a stripper?  How would he feel with hundreds of men lusting after her body day after day?  How would he feel that makes him as a parent?  Would he go see his own daugther naked and gyrating for a bunch of ugly, fat, lustfilled losers groping her and beating off?  Is that what gentlemen do??????

asshole fucking stupid selfish cruel bigotted ignorant perverted bastard

men can find any reason to hurt women and they do and they do and they don’t give a damn and they pretend it’s ok because the woman wants it JUST LIKE PEDOPHILES HURT CHILDREN AND SAY THEY ASKED FOR IT scheming cruel evil evil evil wears a pretty face and degrades and whores and and defiles and hurts and kills and smiles while you die drop by drop or all at once twisted stupid apes beating and bullying on anyone they can fucking cruel savage evil bullies!

but he was having FUN FUN FUN FUN abusing women and abusing me and abusing his soul and abusing everything by defiling life and love and calling it FUN FUN FUN!

men think a stripper is like some rock star, access to a thousand men, if she picks me i must be special!  stupid freak at the SCA telling all us strangers how his’ girlfriend’ was an ‘exotic dancer’ and he was so proud and she was so ugly and beaten down and sad and that he proclaimed that to strangers HURT HER IT HURT HER BUT SHE WAS SO USED TO BEING HURT THAT SHE DIDN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING BUT I COULD SEE HER FLINCH LIKE SHE HAD BEEN WHIPPED BY HIS WORDS but he thought it was so cool, he bagged himself a stripper like it was some stupid badge of honor like she was some prize that made him special but he was just a sick stupid loser who only knew how to lust after broken little girl toys or is some sugar daddy the drug addicted whore can use his lust against him for money because she hates men just as much as men who use whores hate them and hates herself most most most

hate hate hate the world is so full of hate and people pretend it is love and pretend it is caring and pretend it is being ‘nice’ but it is all just lies hate cruel evil

i hate

i know i hate

i try not to hate

hate eats a person alive

leaving only a shell of life

that withers from within and stink

like putrid flesh and week old sex and shit

rising from our souls as the hate breeds more hate

i didn’t hate

for so long i didn’t feel hate

i was able to rise above all that hate

because i thought i was safe in the arms of love

but hate is stronger because love has no real power

in a world where people find happy excuses to hurt each other

and call it


I had learned, I had forced myself to accept, I had made myself deal with those things I couldn’t change, accepted, tried to work within the rules of ‘life as it is’, swallow their lies that men want sex sex sex and women don’t so men need women but its all about abuse and pain and vicious cycle and beating women into emotional pulp, now I can’t, can’t can’t, no more, no longer, I feel all the rage and wish they would all die and wish I could burn them all down and hurt the men and kill them and save the women and help them but we are all just so damaged and hurting each other from our pain and need HEALED.



Nothing I can change.

I cannot even heal myself.


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