Unbonding


Perhaps the soul retrieval is taking affect.

I think it is too soon to tell for certain.

But I am unbonding, some.  Sure, I cried like crazy this morning.  There are aspects of this I still cannot wrap my brain around, let alone my heart.  But I am focusing my thoughts, rebuilding my brain connections, rewiring my circuitry.

When I gaze long and hard upon Him, I let Ursula, the bear girl, she who recalls all the hurts and protects us with her anger and her hard earned wisdom, I allow her freedom to feed us her pain and her truths about who He truly is, what He is actually capable of.  I overlay the image I spent years creating love upon with the images of destruction and pain.  I actively push him from my loving, kindness of mind.

In his place, I focus on the faces of people I want to be with.  People at work.  Friends in SCA.  Facebook images.  Horses and dogs.  Any faces to replace his, to reconnect my bonding desires with, to love.

My piece of soul sits in a jar awaiting a full moon in which to cleanse.  His soul, Sorrow, knows he must go home and is afraid and lonely.  He liked being with me.  I accepted him, didn’t push him away, didn’t run from what he offered, didn’t drug him into oblivion.  But to keep him would be another manipulation.  I am trying not to let cruelty guide my actions, although in my heart I feel cruel towards him.  When I ask to be held, it is a mean game.  When I engage him in conversation, I do so with cold glee in my heart that it will give him false hope, like he gave me.

I don’t really want to be that person.  I must unbond.  I must focus on positive, creation, get the urge to build again.  Force it. 

My marriage is over.  It was over years ago, He just never bothered to let me in on the secret, the joke, the critical change.  What a selfish, cruel hearted bastard he turned out to be.

Oh, that is not all he is? 

He is much more? 

Is that how I am SUPPOSED to view this?

How many acts of cruelty does one have to commit to be that Thing?  How many whores does it take to prove I mean nothing to him?  How many lies does it take to reach the center of utter deceit?

We are all capable. 

We do not all CHOOSE to create such evil acts. 

Now, to keep to the shaman/sorceress/energy worker path….

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