I am so tired of selecting misogynistic, lying, using and abusing sex addicts for partners.
Only 10 percent of the population fits into this apt description.
But I have an amazing, if rather horrifying, track record. A string 4 of them, actually 5, if you count a complete emotional anorexic; serial monogamist that I am. Well, until they cheat on me, or I discover the truth, then all prior promises are null and void. Every single long term relationship to which I committed time and emotional effort has been of that same basic mold. Not a one could respect, nor relate, nor even wanted to be in a real relationship with a woman.
I completely suck.
How disgusted I am with me.
I don’t take good emotional care of myself.
My mother was so right when she bemoaned, year after year, how badly she had damaged us. I had no idea. Looking back, taking stock of my life, I am so much more damaged than I ever realized.
I love myself. I love other people, although I cannot sustain large numbers of them at any time. I become emotionally overwhelmed and must withdraw and recuperate.
But I cannot tell what a real, honest, giving, caring human male feels like.
I try not to be too hard on myself. I have never, ever, in my childhood nor my adult life been loved by a man, so how would I ever know? But I had worked so hard to be a better person. To be more self aware. To be someone that someone good and honest and loving would want to be with. Someone I liked and wanted to be with.
And I do. I like the way I listen and smell the wind. I like the way I speak animal. I like the way I create and write. I like the way I treat other people. I like the way I dance between intense and quiet. I like the way I look. I like the way I adore my animals. I like the way I decorate. I like the way I take responsibility. I like the way I am serious about commitment. I like the way I am basically honest. I like the way I put myself out there. I like the way my mind works. I like the way I am in touch with extra normal existence. I like the way I dream. I like the way I wish. I like the way I try to improve myself a little all the time.
I don’t like the way I yell at the dogs sometimes. I don’t like how I avoid people sometimes. I don’t like some of my less charitable thoughts. I don’t like my laziness and making excuses for not accomplishing something. I don’t like when I am shy and nervous.
I don’t like my horrible choices in relationships.
I have never learned how to look out for of myself when it comes to other people being cold, or hurtful, or cruel.
I believe in them too strongly sometimes.
I don’t walk away when I feel ookie, because I don’t know just how bad it really is, or how bad it will become.
I sell myself far too short.
I don’t know how to FIX IT! Damn it, I don’t know how to attract the kinds of people, people like me. Yes, I was sexually abused. Yes, I have childhood issues. Yes, rejection and abandonment are huge, so huge that I hate to reject or abandon someone else because I KNOW how much it hurts. So I don’t leave even when I am not fully happy. But isn’t that fantasy? To be ‘fully’ happy with someone isn’t reality! So where do I keep going so horribly, damagingly wrong? I just want someone who ‘gets’ that childhood sucked, but has been actively working on themselves and cherishes devotion and honesty as much as I do.
But all I get is someone capable of constant lies and deceit and willing to deeply damage another person over and over.
If I manifest that which I want, is that what I really want?
Those kinds of people, those who rejected and hurt me, to finally accept and love me?
Is that wrong thinking?
Obviously, due to the results I keep getting. They never do accept and love me, just keep abusing me.
Is that how I continue to abuse myself? Do I really hate myself that much, deep down? Do I really believe this is all I deserve?
What, do I think that if I give them the kind of love and devotion I am starving for that they will come around and give it back to me?
But they can’t. They are emotional vampires, only feeding on someone’s love and devotion. They have nothing to give.
I thought he was different. I thought he had begun to really rise above the pain, to work on himself, to want to be better and have a better life and love than anything he had ever known.
Sure, to have, but not to give.
I keep thinking that people can change, if they really want to. That they can build themselves better than the hand they were dealt. I forget that they chose that hand, and everything that implies. I didn’t think I only wanted someone to fix what others had broken. Ok, maybe a piece of me wishes for that, but mostly I don’t think I do. Not really. I want to see them happy, to see them find the same internal light I have.
I dreamed I was having amazing sex. He reminded me of husband #1, the trial marriage. But he was actually WITH me. I could tell the difference. I am having trouble recalling more. It was mostly black and white. And by a lake, lots of water. It was with a younger brother and older brother again, but this time no animosity, just that we kept getting it on when he was near. I wish I could recall more. It was a nice dream, one of those where I seem to be living someone else’s life. Hanging with friends, romance, relating. I miss when I cannot recall. We did so much, experienced so much, and like my second grade, it is lost to me now.
I wish I could be a priestess in a cave. I wish I could wake slowly every morning and recall all my dreams to a scribe and see which ones were someone else’s life, which were prophetic, which were Freudian, which were learning, which were traveling in other planes. I have all those kinds of dreams, and more, many in Tarot symbols that I do not know how to interpret. But I must work, and have no time to delve into my true nature, my true calling.
I don’t know what that is.
What do I even want it to be?
I want it to be with love, where we feed each other, nourish each other, create a fertile ground from which we both can grow like glorious weeds in the summer sun, together planting a little oak which we watch grow strong and tall over the years. Where we reinforce each other’s magic and each other’s spirit so that we soar the clouds and dig deep within the Earth and travel together. Healing. Loving. Sensual. Physical. Deeper than visible reality, yet equally evident. That is my vision.
What would I manifest?
Lives the art of communicating.
Knows magic exists and energy is mutable.
Gently challenges me to improve my own self.
Takes care of the temple which is his physical form.
Aware of his past pains and conditioning and actively striving to become more.
Of an age where we can share a life without undue difficulty.
Able, a worker and doer and thinker of deep thoughts.
Physically and emotionally compatable with me.
Scientific, rational, able to be reasoned with.
Wounded healer, wanting true love.
Open of mind and heart.