I sometimes forget that we are just dirty, somewhat evolved apes.
I completely forgot that with this relationship.
We dig in the dirt for every scrap of food and sex and warmth and contact we can, and push everyone else away when times are tough. And when times aren’t tough enough, when we pull ourselves out of the real environment enough, we make them tough, create hardship and conquerage and damage and cycles of unthinkable stress upon each other, from struggle for resources, from habit, from instincts needing honed, from degrading sense of self as we become more hive, less tribe.
Nobile savages, honorable primitives, it’s all bullshit.
Maybe that should let me be more forgiving.
I have done my best to live by my principles. I haven’t always succeeded. I, too, have endured conditioning, have biological drives, have prewired brain synapses. But I have always known we could be more.
So little reality.
Balanced on the edge of chaos and singularity, dancing aimlessly in the center of the universe.
Hard for me to accept, skeptic that I am. Yet, always I have felt different. They say that, about dissociation, that people feel like they are alien, not from this planet, adopted, disconnected. So, where do our patterns go when we dissociate? Suppressed in our mind field? Out into the cosmos? Home?
Starseed. Soul retrieval. Energy worker. Angels and demons. Brownies. Dark angels and black monkeys. Fae among us.
I walk under many suns, yet see so little.
Maybe if I just believed.
But I am an ape.
That is why I fail.