Apekind


I wonder.

I had to confront Him about money.

Again.

He is so totally out of control addict.  Food, cigarettes, reading, lying, spending, sex.

Quick Fix MG.

Yeah, that name fits.  Or Fast Fix.  Getting his quicky  fix from one of his favorite escapist drugs, never have to face reality again; reality is only what he gets others to believe it is.  The only thing he is willing to work at, save that he is so skilled it is hardly work at all:  manipulating others.

Freaking lazy ass addict.  Big fat liar.

Oh.

My.

GODS!

I did well.  I stayed calm, for the most part.  I stayed out of most of his manipulative attempts to derail the subject and control the outcome.  But I still don’ t have the passwords to the online account.  He is still playing games with that, and acting like ‘but I’m going to get that taken care of, I said I would, why won’t you believe me?’

I find it sad to think that someone being sneering and condescending to me is an improvement.  He used to sneer, but would hide it better, and it never seemed to correspond to anything actually going on.  Now at least I see behind the mask, the cruel, manipulative, envious, fearful, grasping, lazy, hypocritical, miserable addict child which is the truth.

And lonely.  And sad.  And ashamed.

Yet, hooked on those feelings as well, totally acclimated and assimilated and assified.  Hooked on misery and self hate.  Raised such that shame and self loathing and fear and unsafety were normal.  He doesn’t even know how to ‘be’ without that rollercoaster of fear and loathing and tension.  To hide it all behind a facade of ‘good boy’ ‘hero boy’ ‘mommy loves you boy’.

But she had no strength in her to protect her children from the verbal abuse of their father.  No she-bear within her.  Already beaten to a sad, listless lump.  She clung to Him because he was a blank slate and had no will of his own to keep himself safe, from them both.

Today, I have the strength to feel sorry for him.  Because he ‘played good boy.’  He told me what I want to hear.  He told me how he would get the finances in order.  I guess I’ll see if he pulls another passive/aggressive BS power game with it.

That is the way he works.

He gave me something.

Now I owe him, and he will have his revenge.

He resents being ‘manipulated’ into doing the ‘right thing.’  So he will say whatever it takes to get me to shut up, and then pull money out, or refuse to give me the password, or not pay the bills, or not meet one of the deadlines which he himself set, just to prove I ‘don’t tell Him what to do!’

Sulk and resent and plot and scheme and fume and hate and…….

Is this all there is?

Is there nothing more?

I feel like a spacewalker among a dirty pile of apekind some days.  Yes, we are all damaged, for the winds of change and the tides of season alone will erode and forever alter the landscape we are born within.  None of us can remain untouched.  But are we all so horrendously damaged that we must seek to damage others in turn?  Conditioned to tear each other down to size?

Like I did, screaming at my sons when I didn’t even understand where the screaming came from?  Until, my mother, screamed at me in one of her panic attacks that I was asserting my own boundary?  And my sons, asserting theirs?

That I would not relent until I saw a resignation, a hint of light leave their eyes?

I feel such shame for that….

Raggedy Ape.

Apes afraid that someone might escape the tribe and leave us without enough hands for the lean times?  Apes afraid we will not have the numbers to scare the other apes over the hill, and they will run us off our favorite, necessary food?  Apes afraid our family members will not return and so cling with death grip to our mothers or whomever will let us?

Neurotic to the extreme, some apes have become.

He is one.  Neurotic to the core.

Am I just another one?

Dirty apes.

I wonder.

I asked him last night what he would do with a roommate who wasn’t meeting their bills.  He got all strange at that request, angry, and wouldn’t give me a real answer.  This morning, I recall how he got similar strange and closed when I asked how he had gotten sex during the year he and his first wife were ‘open’ relationship.

And he pays for sex, with ease.

I wonder.

Was there someone of his roommates who he talked into having sex with him in exchange for rent?  Did he then lie to his then-wife about why the person was behind in paying?

Serious EWW.

It all adds up.

To one messed up MoFo, truly the worst of all my previous relationships combined, just better hidden.

Was there ever anything, ANYTHING, upon true reflection, anything GOOD in this relationship?  Why do I give a damn about bonding anyway?

Dirty, twisted, messed up Apes.

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