Addiction As Love

I am giving myself a timeline.

I loved him for a full 12 years, 13 if you count that we met this coming August and I am still in turmoil of feelings regarding…everything.

If I allow myself one month to pull away for every year I was emotional attached, then in two months I should be feeling much freer.  It worked before.  I was able to disentangle and disengage within a similar time period.

Gods, I hope this works because I don’t know how much longer I can stand to feel like my guts are being ripped out through my soul before I lose my mind completely.  I have slipped, lately.  Meditation isn’t holding.  I’m back to crying hideously. 

I retrieved as much of my soul from him as I could get.  But the vision wasn’t strong.  I am feeling so weak.  I know now that I am going through addiction symptoms.  He is no longer ‘good’ for me.  I no longer feel loving or warm or supported by him.  But I have to connect, now and again.  To hurt him.  To hurt me.  Just because he is a piece of my mind.

And that is how he feels about whores.  They are his love, his bonded relationship, that which he misses more than he has ever missed a living human being.  That is what I am second to.

I know that he cannot give me anything that I need.  If he could, he would not be sadly pulling away as he is.  He knows that he lies.  He knows that he doesn’t really love me like he loves his addictions.  He knows that he has not and cannot be faithful, ever.  He knows these things and so tries to let me go even though he doesn’t want to because I am also a habit to him.

As he is to me, now.  And that is all.  A habit.  A bad, dangerous, painful habit.

Once upon a time he was my dearest love.

I will not be too hard on myself as I withdraw my brain pathways.  I wish I were data, able to delete his subroutine from my brain and be done with it.  But I am human, and my brain cells love to live, and they love their connections because they are life iteslf, and they cannot be readily undone for the cells guard their lives jealously and fearfully.

I had thought we were so much more.

Why would I be so stupid?


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