Shattering Patterns (July 2011)

The solar eclipse was supposed to have great meaning for my sign.  In Cancer, so near my birthday, to break old patterns.  I have plenty of old patterns which could use breaking.  I am doing too much soul searching.  My head hurts.  My heart hurts.  My soul hurts. 

The eclipse was in the Southern hemisphere, sort of reminiscent of my Southern Node.  I am supposed to be working towards my higher self, my more spiritual self, through my emotional, Cancerian node.

Good Gods, how much more emotional can I be?  I cry all the time.  I try to find joy in the smallest of moments because it never stays.  I sob for hours, tears pouring out, unable to move again, collapsed in time and space and heart, a black hole of my former self.

My horoscope indicates that I am an over emotional nervous wreck.  I try to control everything and everybody, and will resort to manipulation if necessary.  I hide what I am up to until I spring my plans fully formed on the unsuspecting people in my lives.  I am touchy and moody and drama queen when wounded.  I am restless and finicky and scatter brained and overly critical of myself and others.  I think relationships must have hate as well as love.  I am flighty and can project my issues on to those I am in relationships with.

Is this really who I am?  Haven’t I tried all these years to keep this under check, to work on my mind and my rational thinking to overcome these manipulative, emotional ways?

Yet, I am also honest, passionate, honorable, independent, protective and generous to those I care about.  I look out of the underdog, believe in fairness, look beyond superficial trappings to see the truth between the lines.  I demand others do the same.  I am loyal and have a magnetic personhood which attracts others to me, but can also be intimidating and scare them away.  I am joyful and hard working and look for the good moments in life.  I can empathize, and see both sides of the issue, even play devil’s advocate. 

So, I project my issues, but I recognize that I do and use that to analyze myself even as I determine if that is truth on their part as well.  I also project my good qualities on others, so may not see the truth of their bad qualities.  I manipulate with my emotions to gain security, even though I wish I were more straight forward and open.  I couch truth in positives rather than state my emotional thoughts as bluntly as I would state my opinions. 

I control myself in order to control my world, and try to use this control to change my negative qualities, and the negative energies around me, into positives.  I feel my emotions intensely and try to get others to understand, to empathize with what I am feeling. 

I require honesty and from myself and others in order to control as much as possible for without honesty, no real information can be analyzed to make real decisions.  Honesty is a good measure of someone’s depth of thoughtfulness, and their own internal discipline.

I have many ideas bouncing in my head.  I do not bother others unduly with the variety of permutations until I have made that difficult decision as to which course is best followed.  I must negotiate with inner selves and rather than spew my options and indecision endlessly on to other, I try to come to a decision, or at least a smaller number of possibilities, before bouncing my ideas off of others.

I am nervous.  I have nervous energy.  I do believe others find great discomfort in this.  As well as I display my emotions, dump them all over the world.  I am easily wounded, but tend to overcompensate for another, project better intentions than they might really have.   See honesty and honor where none actually exists because I truly believe others are capable as I try to be capable.  Yet, I allow my faults to go unconfronted in others such that I do not speak of them aloud, and thus do not confront mine, attack mine either.  I accept too little from other so that I can accept too little from myself.  That, and I am afraid to ask too much.  I am dependent in that I fall in love too easily.

I am deeply concerned with motivations and unconscious drives and what lies beneath the surface of words.  Yet, I too easily am influenced by words based on my projected wishes for a good outcome.  I have intuition, but I do not listen when I so strongly desire to control the outcome, primarily in love.  I overthink things and fear decisions and thus do not listen to my inner knowledge.  As the ringing in my ears warns.

There is more.  Much more.  I must learn to read between the lines, better than ever before.  I must learn to disengage my emotions, and yet let my emotions flow like the ocean in order to achieve my higher self.

Gods, I am so confused.


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