I dreamt I was loved.
I dreamt a young hearted man was quite smitten with me. He found me fascinating and thoroughly enjoyed my company. I was moving to a new house, leaving my current life and moving into my future life. He was helping me move and was friendly without pushy, kind without ‘nice’, a pleasure to be around. I wasn’t sure what he saw in me, but didn’t want to let my insecurities ruin the easy going enjoyment. I didn’t know where these times might lead, but was focusing on settling into my new life with new friendly people.
The house was interesting, with a small porch off the back, closing off from the dining area with a set of angled french doors. The living room was small but bright, only two bed rooms, but enough for me and Filip I supposed. I only sort of recall seeing Him earlier in the dream, sad but recognizing I was moving on to a happier life. The young hearted man was helping me with the furniture. He might curse as he moved things, or be grumpy, but there was nothing threatening. I still felt my own insecurities, what if he knew the ‘real’ me, the one who was so stupid in her choices of people to love, but he knew already, he had been known me for a very long time, and he seemed to think that just added depth to my personhood, not damage.
The new house had problems. It was very old, in a small town on a major road, and squirrels and possums and a neighborhood dog kept getting in. The neighborhood dog killed one of the semi wild cats that had been hanging around the house, and the man was trying to help me figure out where they kept getting in. I looked out the smallish back yard, for a place to plant a few trees. I planted them but wasn’t sure if that was the best place, so I was looking for a better place and seeing the disgusting yard next door, yes, blocking that would be good, but there was also old junk just off the back porch, in fact the back porch was rotting off the house entirely. We stood on the porch, me and Filip and the young man and a friend of his. I pondered if the landlord would let me fix up the house in exchange for rent. Just then the back porch began to fall off from our combined weight, luckily it fell slowly and in small glumps, and I also saw where the critters might have been getting in, an opening beneath the porch. I would be able to fix two major issues at once.
The young hearted man’s friend thought that the land lord might well accept that bargain, since he knew him and knew the house needed work, and he knew that I was good for it. That I would follow through. And I was scared for a moment if that was true, but I knew that I was capable of completing things I started, when I was focused, when I was happy. I was capable of making promises, and keeping them.
I felt so bright, so young, so loved and appreciated and valued as a person.
I think the young hearted man, and his friend, were the pieces of me which were boys, now all grown up. They are loving men, kind men, well adjusted and helpful, nonjudgemental, not abusive or subversive. They are comfortable in their own skin and don’t see a need to destroy other people to make themselves feel big and powerful. They love me just as I am, a hint of sexual interest for they enjoy living in their bodies like I enjoy living in mine. I didn’t fear them, only fearing my own insecurities would undermine me. They are my forever friends, wherever I go, that show me what honest love, sharing, supportive, nurturing would feel like. Oh, they are still men, but honest and self aware and generally happy with themselves and life.
I am glad they helped me move. I am glad they are there to be my friends. I am glad they are around to show me what love can feel like.
I was worried for a few minutes, after waking, that by focusing on this dream I was focusing on leaving this relationship rather than working within the reality that I currently have. But I do not think that pieces of myself, showing me what I really want in life, is a bad thing. It is a good, positive, purposeful thing, when I view it as reflections of myself, not some perfect utopian future I dream of to remove myself from this life. It is a part of my positive, loving, internal life.
It is who I truly am.