Contract, consensual, conman, convicted
I have been reading on some websites about cheating, consensual sex, ‘legalizing’ sex work, criminal aspects of behavior, and other various and sundry ‘what is sexually correct’ between men and women.
How lovely, that sex is now a major driving force in my life, a terrifying shadow, an agonizing scar, rather than an enjoyable benefit of living in this fun physical form.
Consensual sex = sex in which both parties have agreed upon the extent, the type, and the form in which the sexual activity will take place. They agree on the conditions under which sex will take place, the limitations, and the safety and enjoyment of the partners involved. When partners agree that they will have sex with only each other, that is how they have determined the conditions under which they have given consent to have sex. When I stated that, I can understand and forgive a mistake, however I expect that he would tell me he had sex with someone else before having sex with me, that is a primary condition under which sex is consensual with me. He stated that a primary condition was absolute fidelity, and that he not only expected it, but that I should expect that from him as well. Explicitly, I had been told I could expect he would not be having sex with anyone else, and expected the same in return. Once he had sex with someone else and chose to have sex with me without telling me, at that point all sex with me became nonconsentual. I had explicitly said NO. NO means NO! He chose to ignore my rights.
He did not merely ‘cross boundaries,’ that is far too minor an implication.
He invalidated my right to say NO. Is the opposite of consensual sex therefore legally rape? At the very least, statutory rape. An underaged person is considered incapable of being emotionally mature enough, without enough life experience and information, to make that decision for themselves, and thus having sex with someone far older is considered coercion by that older person. In that light, knowing that I had explicitly said NO to sex under those conditions of sex after he had sex with someone else, he coerced sex from me by lies and manipulation, that I did not have the information to make an informed decision about choosing to have sex with him. He denied me the right to choose, the power of choice, by lying, sex thus only an act to overpower me (like that time he had sex and was acting so odd, so scary, just before that last Xmas, too much violent porn bleeding into real life), potentially putting my physical being in jeopardy and taking away my right to physical safety.
He raped me.
Not cheated on, raped.
No wonder I feel so violated by his actions.
No wonder I feel this relationship is all about power, not love.
Further, marriages are considered a contract. If he intends to have all the power, he should be paying me like any employer. (Of course, he knew I would never willingly enter into such an agreement, thus the con job of lies and manipulation.) If a man wants to keep ownership of all assets and pay the woman by way of room and board to live in his house, than they must agree those are the contractual arrangements. If sex is included wherein she is merely servicing his needs and hers are not to be considered is also in the contract, then he should be paying her like any ‘sex worker’ for every act of sex in which he is the recipient. Otherwise, he is engaging in the practice of slavery and should be treated by the law accordingly.
In that light, I feel like a ‘sex worker’ who was stiffed by a cruel ‘client’. He treated me worse than the strippers and prostitutes, because at least they agreed to be paid to let him abuse them sexually, emotionally, psychologically. How many episodes of sex did I endure under a crushing weight where I was merely having to focus on being able to breathe? How many times did I hear the excuse of ‘my knee hurts,’ or ‘but I’m soft now,’ or ‘I just am too tired to do more,’ so that he ended up using me, jacking himself off inside me, and my needs were barely considered? How many times did I lie there wondering when he would decide it was over, and I would be left with the mess and a need completely unfulfilled? How many times did I have to state what I wanted, and be told, gently, to be sure, but still ‘told’ that my needs were unreasonable? That I was asking too much, that he was being mistreated? ‘I feel like such a tool.’ ‘I suppose if you want to.’ ‘I don’t think that is important.’ ‘I’m just not up to it.’ That only his sexual needs would be taken into consideration.
Wow, and I put up with that? Yes, because I did believe that the whole was more than the sum of its parts. That maybe he wasn’t some red hot lover, but he was basically a good and honest person and I wanted to do right by him as he was doing right by me. Damn, what a load of manipulative, con artist bullshit!
At least the ‘sex worker’ knows what the deal is up front. She knows the risks she is taking, knows that will is having sex with someone who she certainly wouldn’t consider as a sexual partner if she weren’t being paid, and has the right to demand a fee for those risks and obligations. Even she had the right to expect a condom because she knew there was no telling where that dick had previously been!
I hadn’t agreed to be his sex worker. I had agreed to be his partner. If I had wanted to have sex with men who desired sex with prostitutes, I would have done so years ago, when I had been given that choice. I chose better for myself. I chose to work three part times jobs rather than have some fat, sleazy, selfish, lying to his wife, who knows where that dick has been, entitled jerk jack off inside me. But that is exactly what and who he is.
I am disgusted. I am horrified. I am so angry to be dragged into that life which I purposefully worked so hard to rise above. And he knew that! And he didn’t give a damn about me. He doesn’t think he owes a woman the time of day. He believes women owe him, for what, to keep him from hurting them? Men having to protect women from the cruelty of other men, including themselves? Sounds like a strong arm, mafia racket job to me. He paid the mafia for their services, I chose to not become involved with the mafia. What a cruel joke he has played on me. And I thought we were getting married.
If marriage truly is a contract, then it can be interpreted as any legal, binding agreement. If someone has agreed to work for someone else, they have incurred obligations. If someone is upset at work about something said or done by other coworkers, are they going to sit and sulk and pout and refuse to work because they feel slighted? Wouldn’t they feel some obligation to at least put in some effort to get work done? Otherwise, why would they expect to keep their job? With poor work performance, don’t they get put on probation and their work performance becomes highly scrutinized thereafter? Aren’t they expected to show demonstrable improvement?
And that probationary period has a very defined time limit in which those improvements be met.
And if they don’t improve, the work agreement is dissolved.
That person gets fired.
I say I need to hear him apologize everyday. He finds a loophole that he won’t apologize if he doesn’t really feel like it. His excuse is that he wouldn’t feel like he meant the apology. He says we need to communicate. However, when he doesn’t feel like it, because he is upset, he is unhappy, he is angry, he uses the excuse that he ‘doesn’t know what to say,’ and thereby doesn’t put any work into communicating. He says we will make decisions together, but when it came to fighter practice, he didn’t feel like discussing, just made an executive decision and told me so. So, when he ‘doesn’t feel like being honest,’ or ‘doesn’t feel like dealing with consequences,’ or ‘doesn’t feel like being faithful,’ he can make an excuse to not do that as well? Obviously, because that is exactly what he did, so that conclusion is not a crazy leap based on the previous analogy.
He is only married when it suits him.
Thus, he feels entitled to put in only as much as he chooses, and my needs do not matter, if he ‘doesn’t feel like it’, whatever that ‘it’ might be. He doesn’t seem to think that he has to put work into it, communicating, honesty, acting like I have rights, keeping his commitments, making commitments, even when he doesn’t feel like it. That is when he has to try the hardest, exactly because he ‘doesn’t feel like it.’ He doesn’t believe that I have rights, too, and refuses to acknowledge just because he doesn’t feel like doing something is an extremely selfish, self centered, and entitled action, and is being irresponsible and completely out of accountability.
Whore = make me feel like a king so pay for them to tell you and give you what you want, but I sure look like a loser if I have a pay a woman to take home to meet my mom; Wife = make me look good to everyone else so have to keep one by lying so they give you and tell you what you want because if they really knew, they would dump you in a heartbeat. Either way, women are only objects to use for me me me.
This was a supposed to be partnership. That is what I agreed to, consented to, made legal contract with him.
I have few options if he chooses to continue to feel entitled to be married ‘only when he feels like it.’
As with any contractual agreement, I will have only the choice to dissolve it.
Con artists offer everything, and produce nothing.
I want real, value driven product.
I want – to share with a partner, my love, my life, my hopes, my dreams, my toys, without wondering if they will treat it all like shit because what I offer has no value to them.
I want – to be open and honest with someone without wondering and looking over my shoulder to see if they will use my vulnerability as a weapon to stab me in the back.
I want – to be with someone whom I can respect based on their values and their actions, who displays respect for themselves inwardly and outwardly.
I want – to discuss openly with someone my and their human flaws in a safe, loving way where we can listen to each other because we trust that the other truly has our best interests at heart, and we can trust each other’s perceptions of our actions.
I want – to live somewhere I have friends that love me the way I am, and that I love and look forward to seeing, even if we aren’t perfect, even if we don’t always agree, even if we don’t always believe the same.
Another con: Constructive
I am doing what I can to get my life back on a more constructive path. I am trying to organize my space. This is proving diffcult, still, what with the ‘but this needs to be done before that can be done’ junk. And I have too much junk. I make a pile of ‘to give a away,’ and just end up with that pile being in the way too! I tried to work diligently on my stuff on Sunday, and kept getting terribly dizzy. I know some was the inner ear thing, and some was the stress from Saturday counseling and the horror/grossout/disgust which overcame me about this ‘relationship.’ I know that I need to keep trying to work on my side, and know that he will simply continue to take advantage and use me and abuse my rights as long as I do that. He makes sure I can’t win, not even in a win-win situation.
Short term goal: goal = lose 5 lbs; plan = go to gym 2 days a week and machine for minimum of 30 – 40 minutes, if play my game, do so on the exercise bike; result – lose 1 lb a week.
Short term goal: be in the fashion show; plan = go by shop tomorrow and check back in; result – fill our paperwork if necessary, pick up tickets, what I need to verify I am in
Short term goal: organize space; plan = spend half an hour every evening throwing away excess, putting clean clothes in containers now in closet, getting to give away pile in plastic bag; result = able to walk through area with ease, can find clothing with ease