To Have And Have Not


Very scary sort of dream last night.  I dreamt I was working on the house (not my real house, but sort of like it) and enjoying my efforts on the bedroom.  We were adding a huge bathroom with a giant walk in steam shower.  At first I was worried if there would be enough space for the huge bathroom and a closet and the bedroom itself, but all was going well.  There would be plenty of room for the walls and the big shower.  Figuring out how to place the toilet and the door were getting tricky, but I was confident there was enough space to make it all work comfortably.  And I was looking forward to enjoying the fruits of our labor.  Something was bothering me at the back of my mind, however, and I went out into the hall and to the bedroom next door, wondering if the cats had been stuck there since I hadn’t heard from them in a while.  The cats had gotten locked in the next bedroom, and when I went in Pan was beatn and bruised, nearly dead, covered in serum where he had been bitten and scratched for hours? days? by Herne.  I tried to soothe him and wipe him with warm watery towels to care for his wounds, but I couldn’t see how he was going to survive given the time had had been abused and the shock in his eyes.  He didn’t really blame me, but he didn’t understand how I had let him be locked up with such a mean cat for so long, why no one had come to help him.  I felt so bad, how would my son take that his cat had been abused and beaten nearly to death by one of our other, previously lovable cats?  Then the earthquakes and volcanos started.  First the air filled with ash, then the heat began.  He pulled me free of the ensuing rubble and we ran for it, trying to escape the noxious fumes.  But my son was still in the house even as the cloud was descending on us, and I realized he would never be the hero and go back for my son and whomever the latino man was with my son, but I knew I couldn’t ever live with myself if I didn’t try to save my son, and it would be honorable and preferable to die trying than live with that knowledge, that I had run away to save myself and been as much of a coward as the husband was being.  So I let go of the husband’s hand, and ran back towards the lava, and the lung searing ash, and the crumbling house to at least be with my son as we died if I couldn’t save him.  I think I recall reaching him, and the latino man had tried to pull him free.  My son was covered in ash and blisters and his lungs were seared, possibly beyond him ever being whole again.  The whole world was crumbling around us, and I didn’t know if any of us would make it anyway, seeing the lava piling up around us. 

I don’t recall dying, but I don’t recall escaping, either.

Natural disaster dreams are always portents.  I never seem to interpret them correctly, but they are.  And this one was about as Freudian as a dream gets, while still having that huge natural disaster aspect I have come to know means how deeply I need to pay attention.  To the house and the bathroom.  To the sense of doom.  To the end of the world.  Gods, I hope not.  I have some fear around this.  My horoscope all those years ago.  My asteroid dreams.  (this was the result of the asteroid hitting?)  My cards a few days ago – 2 of swords R, 8 of wands, high priestess, 10 of wands, 6 of cups R.  Geez, fate, all I wanted was a new job in a town I love! 

I asked him over the weekend if he had sex outside the relationship.  When I asked him to define what he meant by sex, seeing as how he finds loopholes wherever and whenever he can, he began to stammer and trip over his words.  He was lying.  He became defensive and angry when I asked the question again after he had such an obvious adverse reaction to defining what he meant by sex.  Yes, he has had sex outside this relationship.  He hopes I will end the relationship and he can groom someone else from the SCA to be his before he has to face that truth and my reaction to the sort of person he really is. 

He said he is going to set up the lie detector test.  I suppose we will see how long he delays.

Damn, I had really hoped he would have the guts and the desire to become more than his father, more than his brother, more than just a straw man full of empty words.  I really do believe he has that potential.  I see that ability in him.  But he has to want to be that thing for real, not just in his fantasy of himself. 

So, I ask of the cards at moments like this, questing if I am going to die?  is this about getting the job?  changing my life?  answer = 2 of cups R, 6 of pentacles, King of cups R (the emotional King Infant, the cheater, the faithless one), 2 of swords R (again), 8 of pentacles, 3 of swords R, the high priestess, seven of cups R, Judgement, seven of pentacles R.

Phoenix time?  Renewal?  Cleansing by fire?  My time in purgatory is almost over?  I wish I could tell if the last card was indicating I should stay and endure and accept what I have, or, being reversed, move into the new.

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