Logging abuses 1/23:
I went upstairs to shut off his alarm after it had been going for at least half an hour. He wasn’t upstairs. He was down on the couch. I told him about the alarm going off and that I wasn’t sure I had shut it off, just pushed a couple of buttons. He got up. I offered to make him coffee. He agreed. I was waiting for my coffee while he was getting his and I was talking about my morning when he shut his eyes. I asked what was wrong, and he looked at me contemptuously sidelong as if it was an obvious and stupid question and began in an irritated voice about not getting any sleep. I stood up for myself that he was being mocking, so he said he wasn’t, which was a lie. I had been asking a real question, and he proclaimed that no it wasn’t. He began attacking me, then refusing to discuss the issue, then walking away, then attacking again, then false apology, then attacking because I wouldn’t accept the obviously false apology, but he made one so it was my fault I wouldn’t take an apology, then dismissing that he was acting abusively, yada yada yada. Then he walked out.
Total abuse 101.
Lundy says: the abuser sees and argument as a war. “Humerous insults,” which is what he pulled on me last night when discussing my concerns about fighter practice. If he feels he has lost a victory, he will retreat and gather his forces, so he walked out and sulking.
Lundy says: she is always wrong in his eyes. That is what he said from the getgo, that I was even wrong to say it was a real concern that I was asking. He just expected I would know exactly what had occurred for him and would wrap my world around his issues. I owed him, for taking care of me while I was sick. I was wondering when he would make me pay for that. And when he would make me pay for having the discussion about him going to fighter practice, and especially for having him agree to waiting on fighter practice, although he is not nearly finished making me pay for that one. He only agreed because he isn’t certain he is up to his own standard anyway and can now use my fears to justify his waiting another month anyway. In the mean time, he will continue to make me pay for him having to listen to my grievances about his empty and broken promises, his repeated pretense of changes, how I just refuse to see how much he has changed (sheesh), how I have good cause to believe he lied about having sex while at events based on his behaviors and accusations against other people, etc etc etc.
Yes, he has something in mind. I can see the pattern now: push me away, accuse me of things to justify pushing me even further away, then do whatever he wants because we aren’t ‘really’ working on the relationship now that he has sabotaged it again when it is him who really doesn’t want to work on changing his shitty, entitled, selfish attitude. I appreciate his taking care of me when I was sick, but he already took advantage of that while he went ‘out’ on Saturday right after dropping me back home, and after abusing me even while I was sick in the urgency care room.
Lundy says: he has an array of control tactics in conflicts. boy, howdy. Which ones did he employ in the 3 minutes this morning? Sarcasm, ridicule, distrorting what I said, distorting what happened in an earlier interaction, sulking, accusing me of doing what he did, using a tone of absolute certainty and final authority, interrupting, not listening and refusing to respond, turning my grievance around to use against me, changing the subject to his grievances, provoking guilt, playing the vicitim, contemptuous facial expressions, put down, walking out. Wow, what a repetoire of nonloving, controlling, disrespectful, contemptable behaviors.
And this is the man I thought I loved. Wow. As Lundy says, ‘if you watch closely, you will begin to notice how many of his controlling behaviors are aimed ultimately at discrediting and silencing you.’
Well, as Lundy says, this all goes in cycles. This cycle is about getting back control over decisions that actually do affect me, and punishing me for ‘making’ him compromise. ‘tension building’ when he is fertilizing his garden of resentments, ‘eruption’ which happens on a fairly regular basis now, used to be about once a month, when he was regularly abusing other women as well and blaming me for it behind my back, now is about three or four times a week, ‘hearts and flowers’ which he has pretty much dispensed with lately, which Lundy indicates will also happen as the abuser becomes more comfortable with their justifcations for abusing.
Let’s see. How might this morning have gone if the man had been someone who actually cared about anyone other than himself? Well, he was tired, so he closed his eyes while I was talking about my stuff, about catching up after being sick for so many days. ‘What’s wrong?’ I ask. ‘Oh, sorry, I was trying to listen, but I didn’t get much sleep last night.’ ‘Oh, I didn’t realize. What happened?’ ‘When my heater went out I couldn’t sleep very well so I came downstairs.’ ‘I am very sorry to hear that. I would like to make sure you have a warm room tonight and can get some rest when you get off work.’
Of course, if that man were my real husband, he would not have had sex with strippers and prostitutes for years and lied to me on a regular basis and so would not have been sleeping alone in the attic room in the first place. He might have been sleeping on the couch, because I had been sick and coughing for days. But it would have been a caring sleeping on the couch, and I would have been waking him gently and gratefully to help him get his day started because I so appreciated his sacrifice so I could sleep when I was sick. But I don’t get to feel that way now. Now I see he was feeling pity pot for himself, deciding it was perfectly acceptable to blame me for his ill treatment at the hand of fate and take it out on me accordingly, and just keep that abusive ball rolling until he found the right button to justify his further cruelty and acts of selfishness by walking out, and all of those which are yet to come. He knew when he gave me that contemptuous look that I would stand up for myself. He knew he was being abusive from the moment he closed his eyes as if to say ‘oh, please, I really don’t care about your life this morning, do shut up.’ I was confused when he first did that, nascent sign of abusive behavior, but really was concerned. Gee, I walked right into that trap he set up.
Neat package, that. No wonder abusers hate to give it up. One stop shop for all that ails you. Blow up doll and scape goat and emotional punching bag all in one handy carrying case. Unlike a real pet, it can even find its own food when you sneak off to have your entitled fun.
I am a real human, with real feelings and real rights. If he only wants a companion, then perhaps he should stick to sleeping with the dogs and just buy that blowup doll. ‘Companions’ are what are bought and paid for, have no choice but to be nice to the one they are there to be the companion for. Think, oh, Firefly, or Victorian England’s term of companion, or the good ol’ trusty dog is a companion. (hmm, a society so entitled that we have no time nor care to listen to the woes of our ‘friends’ and ‘loves’, so we pay professional ‘companions’ of various sorts to listen to us and beef up our egos and pretend we matter to someone and someone to blame if it all goes South, therapists, whores, personal trainers, life coaches, whatever it takes to avoid actually ACTING responsibly.)
He is truly his father’s son, and truly only understands treating women as he saw his mother being treated, with callous disregard, as stupid and incompetent, being controlled and belittled. As his father abused his mother into an early grave, so he too soaks up an relishes his benefits gained by way of abusing me. Not only is that ‘what men do’, now that he is ‘man’, but he saw his father have all the rights and privileges in the marriage, and that sure seemed like the best way to go. He not only thinks what he does is his right, but that it IS right and proper for him to treat me that way. That he deserves to. That it is my fault I won’t shut up and let him do whatever he wants whenever he wants. King Infant. Highchair Tyrant. Shadow shadow shadows all.
No light in him. Gollum. Wormtongue. Voldemort. Sauron. Einen. Power power power who’s got my power, make them all pay! Only, I am his kingdom of one, so I am not the chosen one to love, but to pay for all the ills the world has ever dealt him.
I am not a serf. I am not a servant. I am a free spirit with a free mind and a free body and a free heart.
Well, in service of this physical body, of course!
As shown by the fact that I have been sick for days and was very scared about my work, but I was happy that I managed to get mostly caught up in about an hour this morning before my computer ran out of power. I still feel weak. I haven’t been this sick in years. I think I got at least one flu and a cold within a couple of days of each other, but I may have gotten two flus and a cold, and a required training day when I should have been at home to begin with.
Ah, goddess, thank you dearly for your calling to me. For the little things which drew me back towards light and life. Cold blueberries bursting on my tongue. The crystalline feel, the gentle flavor spreading, the knowledge of the sacrifice of one life to encourage another. That I have planted blueberries in honor of the blueberries I choose to eat. And know that, yes, I will plant more, in honor of the goddess and the blueberries which helped remind me of why I choose to experience in this physical form. Painful it is, suffering it is, and elegant, and exquisite, and scary, and terrifying, and full of grief, and amazement all together.
I am very tired. I didn’t sleep very well last night. I’m not sure why. Maybe so many days in bed, too many, but I am still recovering. I have counseling today, and I look forward to it, even though I will be tired and it will likely be very emotionally draining after the continued abuse I have been enduring. But I am stronger than I know. My calling is coming. I can almost hear it.
I know what I want.
I am finding the ways to gain it.
Love and Laughter,
to me from me
addundum: Ah, well I wondered how he would try to make me pay. Now I know. He emailed me a very resentful, demanding, ultimum filled, condescending, blame shifting letter outlining how horrible my behavior is towards him. He is setting up his excuse to not go through with the lie detector test, go to fighter practice whenever he feels like it, and treat me with increased abuse because I refuse to be allow him to control me and tell me what I can and cannot say, when I can and cannot call him on abusive behavior, how I have to bargain with him for him to not treat me abusively this time or that, etc etc. I feel so much better able to see his excuses and games for what they are now.