Not Sparing The Rod


: the quality or state of being accountable; especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions <public officials lacking accountability>
That is about as definite an answer as the ones he is able to provide.
I think I did well.  I didn’t get angry, or at least overly angry.  I didn’t rise to the bait of his accusatory ‘Nothing I would care to share with you.’ 
In my judgement, he simply doesn’t want to be held accountable.  To me, accountability means having a functional plan, knowing the plan, and having a way to measure if you are sticking to the plan and succeeding, or not.  Able To Count.  Measurable goals.  Did you do it?  Yes?  No?  How not? 
When I asked about specifics, he became defensive and attacking.  Soooo, no plan.  He said it was because he didn’t trust.  Well, those who don’t trust others is pretty much because they know they cannot be trusted.  He still sees me entirely through his own filter.  He talks about being honest, but makes me the cause of his withholding information because ‘he doesn’t trust me.’
Oh well.  Like that is news.  Still blaming me, using me as the excuse for his choices.
I know that grandiose statements without real, measurable, actionable accountable plans are the stuff of babykissing politicians, and addicts.  Election year promises with nothing to back them up.  Empty rhetoric to sound good, feel good, but have a hundred loopholes when the time comes to push up the sleeves and get to work.  Then it can be ‘their’ fault that it didn’t work, ‘they’ were stonewalling, ‘they’ weren’t cooperative, ‘they’ didn’t want that grandiose plan to succeed.  Blame, shame, and demonize.
I feel fear around this.  At least I am getting a little better at recognizing BS, and not just allowing him to think that I buy the BS.  Quietly speak my truth.  Stand up for what I know is right and true.  Not let pretty words turn my head.  It is much easier, now that I know all the previous pretty words were bold faced lies.
The fear turns into anger, but I did well today at just staying with the fear and not falling for the digs, or the attacks, or the projections, or the accusations.
I am very sad.  My heart felt something, when he said that he wanted me in his life.  That he was committed to working on the relationship.  I was almost manipulated by empty words.  After all, he always DID want me IN his life.  On HIS terms.  Under HIS control.  Another piece of HIS stable.  To fulfill the empty script running his head, someone to hate, someone to blame, someone to feel that delicious sense of shame.  I wasn’t someone he valued and wanted to be there for, just someone who needed to be there for him, when he wanted that someone, and leave him alone whenever he wanted someone else.
Um, not what I was looking for in a relationship.  Not by a loooooong shot.
How does he stand it?  How can he stand to be in a relationship when he hates me so much?  How can he stand to live with someone that he always mistrusts?  Or is that just excuses to be dishonest?  Is it just an excuse to treat me abusively that he tells himself stories of how horrible I am?
I don’t know.
I am not perfect.  I get angry.  I get resentful.  I get envious.  I get vengeful.  I just don’t understand how someone can live like that, and take it out on other people so blithely, and make it OK, and keep making it OK, and never being able to stop beating up other people for things they didn’t do.  Isn’t that what the villains do?
I didn’t think he was a villain. 
I have been quite wrong before.
I am waiting for the hard data, for the accountability, for a solid plan of action.  Then, there can be measurable change.  Then, I will know how much he has actually thought about how he needs to change, how he will know if he has changed.  How he will be accountable to himself.
I have a pretty good idea of what I will be doing.  I have a pretty good idea of the measures I need to see from his side of the street.  That is part of my work, having solid, measurable goals for the changes I need in my life, and if he meets those that I need from him.  We will see.
It would be nice if he does.
But so far, still lots of pretty promises, no real plan.  Still.  Over a year and a half later.
Some changes?  Yes.  Walks with a purpose.  Flute.  Meditation, although that seems to be going by the wayside.  He tries on compassion, and that doesn’t seem to be too hard.  Support?  He was always supportive, on the surface, and made me pay for it behind my back.  Honesty?  No.  Deep, internal changes in how he thinks of me, how he reacts to me, how he blames me, how he scripts me?  No.  Looking at soft porn.  Dating sites.  Those are just the things I know of.  Yeah, I am not feeling highly valued.  Nice is not the same as good.  Spilling a tiny secret now and then is not being honest.  Pretty speeches are not the hearfelt convictions of commitment.  Wishes are not deeply held values.
I value myself.
I care about myself. 
I am actively working on figuring out what I TRULY WANT. 
And soon, I will recognize it, and work towards it, and I will find it.
I am choosing to work on this relationship because not giving up, not giving up on myself, not running away when there is something I have to face, those are my values.  Showing courage by facing my fear.  Providing a safe place to grow, even for myself, that is one of my values.  OK, a bit holier than thou, but I’ll take that over martyr or pity pot, for now.
I feel sad.  I feel lonely.  I feel very alone, with my enemy at my back.  I feel blamed and treated as if everything anyone ever did to him was my fault.  I feel punished.
Maybe that is the script that subconsciously I recognized in him.  That he would punish me for things that I didn’t do.   That he would make me pay for other people’s cruelty.
If so, that really sucks.
I need to rewrite that script, big time.
Standing up for myself, learning to say ‘I am not the cause of your fear.  I didn’t do those things.’
I am innocent.  I am blameless.  I am free.
Oooh, that is a tough one.  I can feel the fear that I will get a big head or something, that I will get…… truly freed?
And accountability?  How will I measure this change?
No one, especially Him, can push my guilt buttons.  I won’t feel guilty.  I won’t feel badly.  Not enough, but a start.
That is a worthy thing to want, to not feel guilty for things I didn’t do.
That could be a very empowering feeling.
I have a measuring stick.
The rod of knowledge.
I was going to try on my measuring stick, that ‘It isn’t my fault he feels fear around telling me things,’ but remembered that isn’t even truth, either.  He isn’t telling me, not because he fears to tell me his plans, but because he doesn’t have a plan and doesn’t like me looking for evidence of real accountability, and so began to blame shift to put the onnus back on me, smoke and mirrors, rather than take ownership of his own behavior.  Obfuscate and hide the issue by trying to make me feel guilty about his fear.  As if his grandiose offer of vague promises and speeches about being better should be good enough for me.  
He gets to choose for him.
I get to choose for me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s