Envy Does Not Become Me


I am SOOOO ENVIOUS!

I wish I weren’t.

I wish I could find my own piece of the magic pie, a talent, something I am actually good at.

I read so many stories of people with gifts, real gifts, and I just don’t seem to have any.

What I don’t have:

I don’t:  see ghosts, hear spirits, channel a higher being.  I don’t: have useful visions of the future, know what is going on in other people’s lives, find lost objects, find dead bodies, see past events by touching objects.  I don’t: have amazing spells which work, read minds, see angels, see the fae.  Most animals don’t particular love me or hate me, I can’t call wild animals to me.  I can’t:  read tarot like a pro, see anything in a crystal ball, have visions in reflections, dowse for water, sense danger.  I’ve never healed anyone of anything, I don’t even think I made their lives any better by knowing me.  I don’t have sprites and spirits come to me and help me.  I don’t have everyone falling in love with me, or sense bad people, or destroy electronic devices with a single touch, or raise energies, or fix chakras, or visit people in dreams. 

I just don’t.

What I have occasionally: 

I may have a vision, had two, turned out to be the biggest nightmare of my life.  If I had known they were warnings rather than offerings, maybe I would have been wiser.  I have been spoken to by a deity, twice, years and years ago.  I occasionally send thoughts to other people but only so that they ask what I said.  Sometimes I have influenced my pets to do something, usually I just know what they are thinking.  I sometimes have clairvoyant dreams, but I really don’t know if they are other people’s lives, and when they are mine, I never am certain what they mean, or I am too good at not listening.  I have journeyed some, but are they real?  Who can tell?  I can feel plants and rocks and earth air essences.  I can influence the weather a little.  I think I travel to see my dead relatives in dreams sometimes.  I do have ‘brownies’ playing with me somewhat.  I very rarely, like once or twice a year, hear/smell/feel/catch a tiny glimpse of something or someone from another plane.  I do see landscapes in my mind’s eye in the past/present/future, but only in my mind, not with my eyes.  Same with people, I look at them and ‘see’ their babyhood and old age and present rolled in to one.  I think, or imagine, a goddess loving me and holding me and telling me I am loved, and a lover who comes to me when I am so lonely and wraps around me.  I seem to have the ability to intensify the energies of a gathering.  

Woohoo.

I want to study.  I want to BE.  I want a talent.

I want to not be envious but happy with a small thing of my very own that I am good at.  That is all I ever wanted.  I never wished to be the biggest or best or brightest.  Just enough to be satisfied with my own evidence, to enjoy my gifts, and to know that whatever comes of it is from my own efforts.

I can’t even find the proper name.  I have one piece.  Then I change my mind.

I feel so blocked, like there is something in me that is talented, that has the skill, but is either afraid or bound or something.  I have always felt this way, that there is something I am supposed to be able to do that I am being stopped from doing.

Maybe I am just dreaming, wishing too hard.  Maybe I can manifest a skill if only I decide WHAT I really WANT.

Maybe I distract myself from my life with worthless relationships that do not nurture, and ultimately destroy.

I just wish I had some real evidence of some real skill of some real value to someone, mostly me.  I know, I know it is real.  I hear it, the stories, I feel it, the energies and the other realms, but I cannot stay in that place and experience it, or work with it, or live it.

If it isn’t just wishful hubris, I wonder what will happen if I find a way to break free of whatever or whomever has blocked me, and actually access that which is my birthright.  I called it in, during my Rite.  But if I am actively blocked, it may yet be sitting just beyond my reach, waiting……..

Huh.  Just like I am in everything else.  Jack of all, master of none.

I know, I know, I don’t want to dedicate myself to anything.  I felt the call of teaching science, and so dedicated myself to that end.  And still, I taught reading, and writing, and critical thinking, and life, and history, and anything else relevant to personhood.  I spent years trying to become a better writer, and I sent stories off, and I finished and polished and wrote novels and lived what I said.  What about my power? 

I haven’t felt called to anything in particular.  Only stifled.  Only hints.  Only tiny little pieces here and there.

Envy isn’t healthy.

I would rather find healthy.

I would rather finally hear the call, and actually be listening….

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