I hope I am not just being played.
He was very sad yesterday. Was it just the little boy sadness that fools us into feeling sorry for them? Did I just fall into another trap? If so, I will have to accept that. I choose to try and be kind. At least, until the next panic attack and emotional roller coaster hits me and I lose my mind again.
I am still far more depressed than I would like. I still wonder how much of my issue is chronic depression vs the serious dizziness which makes me feel sick. Crying every day isn’t helping the dizziness. It is getting worse. Now my right ear has started hissing, too. And I feel dizzier than ever. I get so scared that this will get worse again. That I will end up in the hospital again. That he will run to whores for his feel good escape again.
Why should I care?
I really don’t know why I care if he throws the rest of his life away. He already threw our life together away. He is focusing on ‘fixing’ himself, supposedly. And ‘we’ will fall by the wayside.
And I, the real me, the person, was never part of the picture anyway. I was just a paper cutout girly for a paper cutout little boy. A doll he could play with but never considered I might have real feelings which could be extremely hurt. Devastated. Traumatized because I believed in someone who has no belief in themselves.
Lies roll off his tongue as easily as breathing. He doesn’t even think about anything he says, just spouts whatever, whatever, whenever, whoever, and never considers whether it is real, or truth, or reality. How can there be a change in that behavior? Honesty? It is like trying to explain color to someone who is blind, and then asking them to paint a landscape.
I wonder what my blind spots are, things I don’t even know I don’t know how to see. Trust? Openness? Asking for help or for what I want? Telling emotional vampires from those who are good for me? Attracting good people into my life?
How bad am I at things I don’t even know I am poor at?
I want a home. I want to move far away from this ugly city. I want a life filled with love and satisfaction of jobs well done. With friends over for dinner. With a garden filled with flowers and fruits. With something to show for all the love I want to spill into the world. With a spirituality that fits my life and my soul.
I want what everyone wants.