I Think He Doth Protest Too Much

Narc Speak.

I like that page.  It has saved my sanity.  Narcissist, little child man at an emotional level of 2, maybe 3, kicking at the world that won’t give him what he wants. ME ME ME ME ME, it’s all for ME!!!

Other people shouldn’t do that, he says.  Open relationships don’t love, he says.  What hypocrits they are, he says.  They are all living in denial, he says.

I’m not doing that anymore.  I’m in recovery.  I’m following my program.  See see see see…..

Such repetitive speech.  Brain wiring?  Common experience?  Or Cosmic conciousness at its worst, little fractal moments of the same selfish child like repetitive tiles in some Eschersque mozaic in the Akashic field. 

Am I really so damaged that I choose to surround myself with even more damaged people?  Does it make me feel better about myself?  Do I really think that we can drag each other upwards, a team goal wherein we heave ‘all together now’ to raise ourselves better than the hand we were dealt?  But didn’t we choose this hand before hand?  Yet, can’t those soul agreements be altered, edited, even reneged on as readily as contracts in this world?  And who would be the magistrate to balance the scales of those who run from their promises prebirth?

I was created by my parents to ‘fix’ their relationship.  My brother caused all their problems.  I was to save their marriage and make it all better.  My sister was an accident after it was apparent it was never going to be a good marriage.  I was my father’s ‘favorite’, yet he left me for ‘another woman’ when I was three.  After that, I received no birthday cards, nor presents, nor phone calls.  He went back on every promise he ever made to me, was late to every dinner, forgot me at every turn.  Yet, he wouldn’t let me go, making sure to see me at holidays even if I didn’t want to see him.  I didn’t have any choice.  I was the good child, the responsible one.  Where my brother and sister could refuse to go, I always kept the peace.

I have lived my whole life feeling my purpose was to ‘fix’ relationships and people’s self hatred.  I know I cannot “FIX’ it, but I keep thinking that I can be a beacon, try to live as an example, maybe better someone else’s life by mine having touched theirs. A muse, an inspiration, a chance to be reach out for one of their dreams.  I breath, steeped in their negative emotions and self hatred, living off refuse and trying to call it ‘good’.  Their negative energy I try to transform into something green and fresh.  And it is killing me.  Am I just another martyr?  Am I thinking I am able to change the world one lonesome, miserable soul at a time?  Am I just so conditioned by my mother and my family’s misery that this is all I know?  Did I actually choose this, or did someone not fulfill their agreement?  Maybe that someone was me?

Everything he ever said he didn’t like is exactly what he was doing.  Everything he complained about was who he really was.  Even now, when he complains he isn’t thinking that way, or he isn’t do it, or he doesn’t want to be that person anymore.  Doesn’t that mean he is, and he does, and he wants?

Is this really what I signed up for when I picked this life?

Am I actually that wretched and miserable?

Do I really like it and need it?

Doth I protest too much?


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