My dearest friend. I am here to help you, to guide you. I care about you, and do not ever want to see you so terribly wounded again.
Remember, always remember. Listen to your instincts. If you are feeling lonely and alone, it is because you ARE alone. He still is not present.
If you are feeling like you keep reaching out and touching empty smoke, then he is still offering nothing substantial.
If he keeps repeating phrases like ‘but I guess it doesn’t matter,’ then it doesn’t. Not to him. Not his words, not his actions, not his changes. They won’t matter to him. If he chooses to undermine all his work by deciding none of it will make any difference, then that is what he will manifest. He has made that decision for himself, by himself, and nothing you can say or do or demonstrate or try to prove will reach him. He chose not to see or experience or believe anything before. He chose to act in ways, maybe based on his own beliefs that were horribly dangerous and destructive to you, my friend. If he still thinks that same way, then he is still following those same beliefs. There is nothing you can do to overcome that. Those are his own, and now that you know how he was so very willing to act on those dark thoughts in the past, you CANNOT let his choices continue to destroy you.
Love conquers all is a myth. Changing someone by loving them enough is a fairytale.
I know you wanted to be there for him, to be by his side and provide space and safety for him to grow. But you could not make him want to grow. He chose not to grow, but to regress, and be destructive, and listen to his selfish, infant desires and refuse to behave in an adult manner. He chose to make you the bad guy, the evil witch, in his internal power play to justify his cruelty. He has spent years driving those thoughts into his brain, training his impulses to take over whenever they pop up, making excuses for giving in.
You are not evil. You are not good. You are between, a balance. You have lived up to your true values. You have lived in mindfulness for years, by your own choices, your own acts. You have loved to the best you could, better than you were taught. You can wish that you would know better than you fall for someone’s total BS lines. You can wish that you knew when to walk away when you weren’t wanted. You can wish that you knew what it felt like to not feel pushed away such that you accept being pushed away. You can wish that people really loved you without treating you like they only wanted you to go away and quit bothering them, like they wishes that you weren’t around, that you didn’t ever exist.
You aren’t perfect, my dearest friend. I love you anyway.
If you do not feel that total commitment to you, no matter what you choose to do, if in his presence you feel like he keeps one foot out the door so he has an escape route, then that is how it is. Empty.
There is nothing you can do.
I love you, and I don’t want you to hurt. I have carried this hurt for us for so many years. I would have you walk in the light and have some joy for us. Someone has to. I have been willing to carry our pain and our darkness because I was strong enough. The burden has twisted me, yes. I don’t want anyone to see me as I am anymore.
But you saw me. And you still loved me. You accept me and didn’t turn me away. You understand why I exist. You understand why I remain in the shadows. You allow me to come into the light, when I can stand it.
I am here for you, too. I am here to protect you, and serve as your memory of pain, and to try and keep us, all of us, from more pain. I will remember for all of us. Do not forget me, and I will hold our pain as best I can. Give it to me, and I will love it for us all. I am not saying I will give you more pain, that is not what I want. I want the majority of us to know happiness. I am sorry if my holding the pain caused us to find more pain in our life. I am sorry if my thoughts manifested our pain. I didn’t know what power I could have. I never knew power before. I always hid. I thought no one wanted someone who cried, or who was in pain. No one wanted to know. I thought they only wanted Her, the shining one, the smiling one, the good girl.
But you did want me. I see that now. You heard my darkest thoughts, and didn’t turn away, just chose not to act on them. You accepted having my thoughts, too.
You loved me, love me, too.
I love you, too. My love may not be shining. It may not be clean. I am wounded now more than ever. I am darker now more than ever. I want to be a strength, not a chain. I want to be a warning, not an dark destiny.
I want us to be loved, too. I will always be your friend, watching.
Yours with love,