Are We There Yet????

I read somewhere that for every year of betrayal and lies, it takes at least half that time to rebuild trust.

He repeatedly deceived and to my face lied outright for at least 13 and more years.  So, about 7.5 years to regain my trust.  And each time he gets ‘caught’ in a lie, his choices reset my trust clock to time zero and puts us backwards that much more.

My love bank runneth deeply in the red.  Bankrupt. 

It feels like he wants me to just trust him again, stop acting like I don’t trust him.  Let him ‘off the hook’.  Why aren’t you there yet, he accuses?  Why aren’t we where I get to feel comfortable yet, he fumes?  Why don’t you just get over it, he dismisses the impact of his actions?

Just 15 more minutes.

I am waiting.  Patience is a virtue.  I am scared but keep pushing through it.  I keep trying, even when it hurts.

Just 15 more minutes.

I am not sure why, but I get the distinct feeling he is pushing me away again.  He even ‘forgot’ to do the candle ceremony last night.  The one thing that was supposed to be our demonstration of commitment.  What we were supposed to do even when we least felt like, especially when we least felt like it.  That is what commitment means, to me.

I wonder if that was another passive aggressive way to try and hurt me, ‘so there!’  I don’t have to DO anything!  I know just how to hurt you, too!  So there! 

I wonder if it is because his addiction is calling and he is answering by pushing me away again, picking a fight.  He asked what his role was, as if to set the stage so he could say his sorry-for-himself lines about how he didn’t see how me being his friend was possible.  Another way to sabotage, to fail before he even begins?  He he aims for failure, because it is a much easier target to reach?  Especially if he never even aims any higher.  What is the saying?  He only truly fails who never even tries?

I wonder if it was so he could avoid the knees-to-knees.  He certainly managed that by getting angry and vengeful.  He keeps saying he wants to do it, but then is always too tired, or too busy, or too late, or, now, too angry.  When that is the point, I thought, was to address anger and pain and disagreement. 

I wonder if he is trying to get out of any further pursuit of the lie detector test.  He seems to get so defensive and find ways to attack the idea and push it away whenever it comes up.  He offers with words, and takes away with deeds.

I wonder.  I wonder.

I was looking at books for couples to recover trust yesterday online.  I was recognizing the issue I was having trying to connect, and was attempting to find ways to overcome it.  I read in one of them about commitment to someone, how he maintained his fidelity.  It went something like: ‘when I am happy, I am committed to my wife.  When I am unhappy, I am committed to the marriage.  When I am really unhappy, I am committed to my commitment.’  I am committed to my commitment right now.  I said I was going to really try.  It is very very difficult right now, but I am committed.  I have moments when I wish some other man would come and save me from this hell.  But I learned long ago how to not follow those images.  I see where I am going, and gently tell them no, I don’t want to think about that right now.  I am trying to work on my real relationship.  I have times I begin to fantasize about leaving, about my perfect house without him, just for me, and I do not follow that path because it would drive another wedge in the work I am trying to do.

I am committed to my commitment.  It is all I have right now.

I asked what it meant to him to be in a committed relationship.  He has never responded.  I think last night he responded.  He isn’t committed to any relationship beyond his addictions. 

He asked what role he played in my life.  I really don’t know.  Al Bundy?  But I refuse to let him force me into being his ‘Peg’.  It seems to me that if I deviate from whatever script he has written for me, whatever role he is expecting me to play for him, then he becomes angry and anxious and is trying to push me back into that ‘bad guy, enemy, all your fault, you just don’t love me,’ and then can justify treating me with cruelty.  The age old cry of the destroyer against their victim, ‘They are EVIL, and they DESERVE to be punished!’  Professor Umbridge?  Severus Snape?  No, Severus performed his treachery in the name of true love, not to destroy it.

What is he to me?  My jailor?  My torturer?  My ex best friend?  A very disturbed family member?  My husband who hates me?  A rebellious, angry boy-man with no coping skills? 

What role is he in my life? 

Another dark mirror?  Man of every possible shadow and corrupter of the light?  BalGorRoth?  My frog-prince Sorrow?  My commitment?

I wonder what role he thinks he plays.  What script he writes for himself.  When HE decides he has failed and gives up.

When Mikey is in control, he is ugly to me.  When the ‘man’ is in control, he is beautiful.  Since I have been seeing him as very ugly lately, the way he carries himself, the look on his face, the resentful glint in his eye, I guess Mikey is fully calling the shots.

I hate Mikey.

Selfish, vengeful, spiteful, lazy child.  He would destroy me just so he can destroy himself, and project that it was all my fault he was a failure and felt like a loser.  Nothing I can say, no amount of praise or trust or love will ever reach Mikey.  He rejects it all.  He rejects everyone, including the rest of himself.

Mikey doesn’t care if we ever ‘get there’.

15 more minutes, I tell my own inner child when she frets and fears and wishes she could run and hide.

Just 15 more minutes……………………


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