The solar eclipse was supposed to have great meaning for my sign. In Cancer, so near my birthday, to break old patterns. I have plenty of old patterns which could use breaking. I am doing too much soul searching. My head hurts. My heart hurts. My soul hurts.
The eclipse was in the Southern hemisphere, sort of reminiscent of my Southern Node. I am supposed to be working towards my higher self, my more spiritual self, through my emotional, Cancerian node.
Good Gods, how much more emotional can I be? I cry all the time. I try to find joy in the smallest of moments because it never stays. I sob for hours, tears pouring out, unable to move again, collapsed in time and space and heart, a black hole of my former self.
My horoscope indicates that I am an over emotional nervous wreck. I try to control everything and everybody, and will resort to manipulation if necessary. I hide what I am up to until I spring my plans fully formed on the unsuspecting people in my lives. I am touchy and moody and drama queen when wounded. I am restless and finicky and scatter brained and overly critical of myself and others. I think relationships must have hate as well as love. I am flighty and can project my issues on to those I am in relationships with.
Yet, I am also honest, passionate, honorable, independent, protective and generous to those I care about. I look out of the underdog, believe in fairness, look beyond superficial trappings to see the truth between the lines. I demand others do the same. I am loyal and have a magnetic personhood which attracts others to me, but can also be intimidating and scare them away. I am joyful and hard working and look for the good moments in life. I can empathize, and see both sides of the issue, even play devil’s advocate.
So, I project my issues, but I recognize that I do and use that to analyze myself even as I determine if that is truth on their part as well. I also project my good qualities on others, so may not see the truth of their bad qualities. I manipulate with my emotions to gain security, even though I wish I were more straight forward and open. I couch truth in positives rather than state my emotional thoughts as bluntly as I would state my opinions.
I control myself in order to control my world, and try to use this control to change my negative qualities, and the negative energies around me, into positives. I feel my emotions intensely and try to get others to understand, to empathize with what I am feeling.
I require honesty and from myself and others in order to control as much as possible for without honesty, no real information can be analyzed to make real decisions. Honesty is a good measure of someone’s depth of thoughtfulness, and their own internal discipline.
I have many ideas bouncing in my head. I do not bother others unduly with the variety of permutations until I have made that difficult decision as to which course is best followed. I must negotiate with inner selves and rather than spew my options and indecision endlessly on to other, I try to come to a decision, or at least a smaller number of possibilities, before bouncing my ideas off of others.
I am nervous. I have nervous energy. I do believe others find great discomfort in this. As well as I display my emotions, dump them all over the world. I am easily wounded, but tend to overcompensate for another, project better intentions than they might really have. See honesty and honor where none actually exists because I truly believe others are capable as I try to be capable. Yet, I allow my faults to go unconfronted in others such that I do not speak of them aloud, and thus do not confront mine, attack mine either. I accept too little from other so that I can accept too little from myself. That, and I am afraid to ask too much. I am dependent in that I fall in love too easily.
I am deeply concerned with motivations and unconscious drives and what lies beneath the surface of words. Yet, I too easily am influenced by words based on my projected wishes for a good outcome. I have intuition, but I do not listen when I so strongly desire to control the outcome, primarily in love. I overthink things and fear decisions and thus do not listen to my inner knowledge. As the ringing in my ears warns.
There is more. Much more. I must learn to read between the lines, better than ever before. I must learn to disengage my emotions, and yet let my emotions flow like the ocean in order to achieve my higher self.
Gods, I am so confused.